With Enough Coffee . . .

What's in a Name?

2011-03-26T14:36:00.000-04:00

The principle of King Street Elementary School called for an assembly in the gym to engage the students in political dialogue at a young age just before the 1984 presidential election. I was a timid 8-year-old Democrat who was, more often than not, referred to as “Billy” because of my older brother’s and my twin-like resemblance. Everyone knew the Malin brothers, but I was an individual, with my own name, so I politely corrected teachers, students, and parents when this common mistake was made. The assembly was underway, and the principle turned to me for my opinion.

She said something like this, “Billy, who would you like to see win this election: Ronald Reagan and George Bush, or Walter Mondale and Geraldine Ferraro?”

As she spoke, I thought to myself, “I can’t believe she did it again!” My response was loud and clear. I said, “KEVIN!!!”

The entire school erupted with laughter while I thought to myself, “What’s so funny???”

Michael Jackson Reaction to Elizabeth Taylor's Passing

2011-03-24T01:26:00.002-04:00

"How in the HELL did I get here before YOU DID?????

Neverland Ranch Times exclusive, Kevin Malin

Synchronicity . . .

2011-03-15T14:37:00.010-04:00

If you've read The Celestine Prophecy, you are familiar with this term. As we move away from our egos which trap us up in our heads, we begin to notice more and more, that occurrences in our daily lives involve "coincidences" with other people. For example, a feeling may be accompanied by the meeting of a new person in my life; I am meeting this person for a reason, possibly. After all, many of us, more and more, are believing that everything happens for a reason. So, the book explains that we must be aware of the present moment so that we can notice and respond to these feelings. The more we are aware, the more synchronicity will help us in our decision-making.

Synchronicity is the experience of two or more events, that are apparently causally unrelated or unlikely to occur together by chance, that are observed to occur together in a meaningful manner. The concept of synchronicity was first described by Swiss psychologist Carl Gustav Jung in the 1920s.^[1]

I felt prompted to write in my blog about several things that have happened within the passed week that have helped me put life in a better perspective. As many of you know, I recently went through a difficult time because of things that happened in December and January. But they were only difficult for me because I forgot many of the lessons I've learned from spirituality. At Christmas, I lost a job I enjoyed very much; and two days later, I skidded on black ice while driving, and totaled my car. A month later, my replacement car broke down, and I've been without a car since. As these things happened, I immediately labelled them as "bad." These things shouldn't have happened to me, and I felt a strong sense of self-pity. I allowed that to spread to my family and friends. My ego grew in strength, and I gave off negative vibes. I had a sense that I was handling things wrong, so I withdrew and isolated myself from the world.

Individually, those who care about me wanted me to attend a meeting. Each time, I dismissed the idea because I was no longer in the program. To hear what my friends were saying bruised my ego, and the pain kept me in isolation. I dove headfirst into my favorite book, A New Earth, by Ekhart Tolle, and resolved to go it on my own. Tolle teaches that "Nonresistance, nonjudgement, and nonattachment are the three aspects of true freedom and enlightened living." I realize now that nonjudgement not only refers to how I treat others, but it also refers to how I respond to situations that my ego wants me to label as "bad." There is a reason why we like the saying, "What doesn't kill us makes us stronger." Suffering may not be fun, but it certainly does benefit me.

Within the passed week, three things have happened and are still happening that has allowed me to change my view: my dreams have become exceptionally vivid and detailed; a friend of the family's who is visiting us from New York this week has renewed my interest in The Celestine Prophecy; and a friend in distress asked me to take him to a meeting. Coincidences? Definitely not.

The dream:

An election takes place, and the newly elected governor is accused of using a stolen identity to win the race. The stolen identity is that of mine. Suddenly, I am the new governor of the state of Georgia. As I walk into a government building in downtown Atlanta, I realize this is my greatest opportunity to do some much-needed good for the people of this state, and to have an influence on the region in its entirety. But can I do it? Two things convince me that I can: my passion for politics; and something a highly-successful fashion designer once told me when I worked for him in the '90s: "Surround yourself with talented people."

I noticed that the staff and cabinet of the former governor had very little respect for the office, because it had been held by power-hungry republicans who couldn't care less about the lower-class and minorities. I fired most of them, and replaced them with real-life friends who would become my chief of staff (my ex, Jeremy), attorney general (Stacey), and secretary of state (JP). I can't remember the other appointments I made, but I do remember that I hired my friend, Jeffrey, to redecorate my offices because they were hideous!

The Celestine Prophecy claims that dreams have important meaning; so did Freud and others. If you can help me with the meaning of this dream, or maybe just why it is so vivid and clear, I would certainly appreciate it. Should I be forming an exploratory committee??? (LOL!)

Anyway, my new friend, Patricia, is visiting Billy and Margot here in Atlanta, and the other night, I was looking through old DVDs for something that we could all watch. And what did I come across? The Celestine Prophecy! When I first watched the movie version of the book I read over ten years ago, I remember thinking that it fell short of the book, and I was reluctant to suggest it to them. But the four of us had a continuous conversation going about spirituality, so the other night, we watched it. The protagonist is played by one of the actors who is now on Gossip Girl, except he is more youthful and handsome. Coincidence? Maybe that one is. ;-)

Patricia also read The Celestine Prophecy, but far more recently than I did. We bonded over it, and the movie reminded me of all the amazing things that were explained in the book, such as synchronicity. I also realized that James Redfield's teaching are parallel to those of Ekhart Tolle's. I cannot leave out the part of the prophecy that says human consciousness will change during the early years of this new century. And Tolle's A New Earth says that human consciousness MUST change if the human race has any chance of survival. Other respected prophets, such as Edgar Cayce, Nostrodamus, and the Mayans (to name only a few), have also predicted change to come in the years we are living in now. According to the Mayans, the world will experience a change that culminates on December 21, 2012. Devastation and political upheaval are predicted to occur just before the end of the calendar on that date. Japan just suffered one of the worst earthquakes and tsunamis in recorded history, and devastation and political upheaval have occurred throughout the world very recently.

I finally went to a meeting last night for the first time in a year, only because a friend asked me to take him. The details of his identity and issue are bound by the anonymity of the program, but I can describe the feeling I felt during the meeting. Several influential people were at the clubhouse that night, and I felt a sense of inclusion that I hadn't felt for a while. I wanted to be there, even though my intention was not to seek help myself. It was a feeling of goodness that almost moved me to tears. The friend who asked me for help may have, in fact, helped me more than I helped him. Coincidence?

My Fight with XM 22

2010-10-22T13:01:00.001-04:00

Incident date/time: October 14th @ 7pm

Dear GLAAD:

I was recently listening to XM 22, a radio station heard nationwide, as two female DJs spoke out against the most recent episode of GLEE, which featured two "straight" girls intimately close in the beginning of the episode. One DJ had not seen the episode, and the other had. They had an issue with the experimentation that could possibly influence their children to "experiment" with the same sex. They said it was unnatural, and that they would not allow their kids to continue to watch the popular, prime-time show. They wanted callers to voice their opinions, and I called immediately.

The first caller was a lesbian who said that she couldn't understand why they were upset. The DJs then changed their argument to say that they didn't agree that lesbians were being exploited. The woman-caller said she is a lesbian, and that she did not feel as though the show was exploiting lesbians.

The call ended calmly, and they then put me on the air. I told them that with the recent suicides, they are sending the wrong message to kids who may be gay and to those who are being bullied. Again, they said they didn't want to see lesbians being exploited. I told them that the show does not exploit gays and lesbians, but that their comments that the show went too far by showing two girls in an intimate setting is confusing to kids who are questioning their sexuality. By saying two same-sex kids experimenting is unnatural is conveying the message that being gay is unnatural. I told them that being gay is a natural AND good thing, and that kids who are confused should be okay with either outcome. They again said that they don't want their kids to see two straight people experimenting with being gay. I said, kids WILL experiment, whether it is with someone of the same sex or the opposite sex. One DJ said, "I never experimented!" I said, "Yes, you did! With a man! That was how you knew you're heterosexual!"

At that point, a producer came on the air to defend the two DJs by saying, "This is a matter of what is appropriate and inappropriate for a 'family show.'" I said, "the show comes on at 8pm; it is considered a prime-time slot. Also, Glee is not going to influence any student to experiment in either way. Kids will do what they do anyway. They are not easily swayed by television."

They cut me off, and went to commercial. Afterwards, I thought to myself, "three against one; wasn't THAT just a form of bullying??"

Kevin L. Malin

Atlanta, GA

My Life Now

2010-10-13T15:37:00.007-04:00

It is now the middle of October, and much has happened in the past few months. I secured my position within the Tyler Perry empire in the second half of August, worked my ass off in September, and Atlanta Gay Pride was this past weekend.

I left off complaining about my previous living situation where two of my three roommates were gossiping about me. I won't rehash; you'll have to read the previous posts. However, I will mention that I recently found out that the owner of the house would periodically ask my good friends, who would visit me at home, if they were sleeping with me. Disgusting!!

Moving on: many of my friends and acquaintances want to know exactly how I got a job with Tyler Perry. The sensitivity surrounding this accomplishment doesn't allow me to divulge much, however, I will tell you what I can.

In mid-August, I quit my previous job as employment consultant in downtown ATL. I was unhappy, uncomfortable, and too inexperienced to continue to find work for welfare moms. It was actually a worthwhile learning experience, and it taught me how to be more aggressive when looking for work for myself. Before I quit, I started sending out my resume to employers, but I remained unemployed for about three weeks. In the meantime, I brokered a couple of successful real estate deals which kept me afloat financially. At the same time, my brother, Bill, moved to Atlanta, and we found an apartment which we moved into over Labor Day Weekend. Toward the end of my unemployment, I started to get desperate. It's a tough job market out there, and I was starting to panic. I found job postings on many of the websites I used at my previous job, but I also looked at Craigslist daily. I noticed a cryptic posting for an office assistant, but there was no company info. I sent my cover letter/resume, and an hour later (at 9pm), I received a phone call from Tyler Perry Studios. I was a little shocked, and when they asked me to come to the studios the next day, I wanted to say, "SERIOUSLY????" The interview was quick; I got the impression they wanted to hire me on the spot. But my future boss said, "go get lunch; I'm going to mull this over. Call me in an hour, but stay in the area."

As I walked into the Greenbriar IHOP, an excited and optimistic energy left my body and touched the people I came in contact with. I couldn't stop smiling. After a brief phone call to my now-boss, I returned to the studios. This meeting was also brief, and I returned home beaming. I told Bill that if my phone rang, all noise within the vicinity must cease. At 8pm, I received the call . . . and I got the job! They liked my education, my modelling and real estate experience, and they felt that I could represent Mr. Perry best out of all the candidates who interviewed.

That was a Friday night, so naturally, I went out all weekend and celebrated with my close friends. That Monday, the long hours, the stress, and the excitement began. The first week was full of lots of travelling around Atlanta and meeting the many people who make his movies and TV shows possible. I visited his homes, the airport he uses, and the places I needed to be acquainted with as part of my new job. In a nutshell, I represent Mr. Perry in day-to-day situations that he is too busy to handle. The exciting part is that wherever I go while working, I'm treated like a rock-star, and by-standers constantly try to figure out who I am. Don't worry; none of this has gone to my head. In fact, I treat people with more respect now. I'm constantly reminded that I am only representing a celebrity, that I am not one myself. Instead, it's a humbling experience, and I'm amazed that these experiences enter my life to teach me a lesson. Everything happens for a reason, and I'm delighted that this is my life now.

Shortly after I started, I cancelled my trip to Southern Decadence, New Orleans for Labor Day Weekend so that I could move in with Bill. We moved to a cheap, slightly cramped 2/2 apartment by Peachtree-DeKalb Airport for the purpose of saving money to get a new car next year. (I also desperately needed to remove myself from the drama of my previous home.) At some point during our new lease, Bill's wife, Margot, and their 2 yr. old, Nicole, will join us in Atlanta. They are temporarily living with my Dad in New York until they move. I'm so excited to be living with family for the first time in 16 years! Especially since I've been single for most of my five years in Atlanta.

But I'm not bitter! I received tons of appreciated attention when I attended the 2010 Atlanta Cotillion on September 18th as Julio Leyva's escort. Yes, I went in a tux, for a change. I was so proud of Julio for the great job he did fundraising all summer. He is a hero in my eyes!

But the fun didn't stop there! Last weekend was Atlanta's Gay Pride festival and parade, and two of my dear friends from Boston spent the weekend here. We had so much fun running around, seeing so many people I hadn't seen since starting my new job, and going to the packed events, that we didn't get to everything. I was supposed to march in the parade with the Cotillion clan, but at the last minute, I had to drive a friend to the airport, and then go to work for a couple of hours. I just keep telling myself that I LOVE MY JOB!

Drinks at Work??

2010-09-09T16:33:00.005-04:00

I thought I had landed the perfect job when I started as an account executive with a company in downtown Atlanta at the end of May. My task was to find work for uneducated, inexperienced, single mothers who accepted government assistance. They were required to participate in our program, and Fulton and Dekalb Counties commissioned us to find them minimum wage positions so that they could more quickly move from accepting welfare to being self-sufficient. As I accepted the position that many vied for, I thought to myself,

"My writing is good, and I know how to assemble a resume. My phone etiquette is good, so I can be persuasive when speaking with employers. If a client gives me attitude when I instruct them on how to job search, I can give it right back."

I was convinced that if anyone could do this, I could. This confidence was exactly what I needed to start. My boss liked me, my co-workers liked me, and everyone thought I was going to do quite well. I enjoyed going to work, and the clients were genuinely appreciative when I gave them advice and job leads. The employers were a bit cold to me at first, but I worked on building rapport. I was on the phone looking for jobs, and I was building confidence in my clients. I went to networking events and looked for jobs. I sent my clients out every day to look for jobs with employers I had gotten to know. But there were several things that I neglected to consider.

One was the same thing I didn't think of when I decided to do the Atlanta Cotillion last year. How many contacts can I really call upon after only four short years of living in Atlanta? Could I seriously call upon my friends and ask them if they know of anyone hiring, when half of Atlanta was looking for a job? I persevered, and I succeeded in finding many low wage jobs at restaurants, hotels, in offices, etc. The second thing I didn't think about was, just because I found a job for someone doesn't mean they're going to get hired. Huge gaps in employment, no experience at all, or a serious criminal record hindered my clients, and I began to get discouraged. My persuasive selling techniques were failing, and I was falling short of my quota.

Then something unexpected happened. An account executive who was out on medical leave for many months returned to the company after having beaten cancer. He was an incredibly personable guy, and he was originally from Boston. He had the accent that I thought I hated, but when he spoke, leaving out his r's, I melted a bit. I fell for his charm, and soon we were drinking together.

As I became more and more discouraged with my lack of progress, I began to also experience the insomnia that had developed in my final years of drinking. He encouraged me to drink before bedtime, but I said I couldn't do that. That I didn't want to go down that road. I didn't feel it was appropriate to reveal my alcoholic status to my co-workers, especially since I was beginning to feel as though I wasn't cut out for the job.

I started to call in sick on Monday's after Sunday Funday at Blake's. I felt like a failure. I'd go into work as though I had my head down. I was ashamed.

I looked for a new job, but without finding one, I quit in mid-August. A weight lifted from my shoulders. I was fairly confident that I could find one that was not in employment. I hoped for a real estate job again.

Around the same time, I convinced my brother, Billy, in Connecticut, to move to Atlanta. I knew his IT skills were superior to most in Atlanta. He came down and stayed in my extra room for a couple of weeks. It was so nice to be around family again. I communicated with my roommates about his stay in advance and gave them updates as we spent time together touring his new city.

Unfortunately, a couple of my roommates were more interested, not in my brother's stay, but in a nasty, untrue rumor that, not only was I drinking again, but I was also doing drugs. Drugs were never my thing. My drug of choice, and my downfall, had always been alcohol. I am an alcoholic of an extreme case, however, I am NOT a drug addict. Many times, I had heard in the program that they are one and the same. This is not the case. Alcohol works on the alcoholic over time, convincing him that he can handle more. Drugs take the addict down FAST. But I want to make it very clear that I am not saying one is worse than the other. We are all equal; addicts, alcoholics, and our friends, the normal people. If my life went in a different direction, I could have been a drug addict AND an alcoholic.

The Big Book is the end-all for many. It certainly was my "bible" for over a year. I read it, and re-read it, from cover to cover. But for me, it was my launch-pad. I really knew nothing about true spirituality, so I started reading the books of Ekhart Tolle, my present spiritual guidance. I also ventured into Buddhism and Scientology. In college, I studied medieval philosophy, which is essentially Catholicism, and I had had enough of that. I heard many times in AA meetings, "AA doesn't have the patent on spirituality." But then, why do so many stay within the safe confines of the program? Is thinking too dangerous for us?

Anyway, back to the story. I began to get frantic phone calls from genuinely concerned friends. I say it that way because there is a difference between concern and gossip. I could hear in each of their voices, whether they were wondering if they needed to talk to me, or if they selfishly wanted to verify the dirt they discovered. I parted ways with my roommate, who I used to trust and consider a friend, after I found out that an ex of his entered the house while I was out of town with a key he still had, entered my bedroom, and spread crystal meth across my coffee table. I didn't know what it was and thought nothing of it. I cleaned it up and threw it out, but I still wondered what that stuff was. I didn't bring drama to our house, but my roommate and his trashy boyfriends certainly did.

I end this post on a bitter note, but with a promise to my audience that the good news comes shortly thereafter. If I've kept you interested to this point, please hold on until the next chapter. Just as my last post, I had to get this off my chest.

Pensacola . . . the Untold Story

2010-09-09T14:54:00.006-04:00

This summer has been tough, to say the least. And when I say things never turn out the way they're expected to, the passed few months have been no exception. Despite the difficult times in my life which have definitely made me stronger, this summer will be one to remember; one that tested my strength, and one that will never let me forget that I'm only human.

As I wrote in an earlier post, Memorial Day was a hoot. However, probably the most significant event throughout the entire weekend was my relapse, which, of course, I intentionally left out. I was scared, ashamed, but defiant. It happened the night before Memorial Day. I had been in Pensacola for four days at this point, and the next day, we were going to drive home. I was in my car driving through a rainstorm alone, trying to find a place to eat. I was staying with a bunch of friends, some in the program, and some not.

I had been sober for three and a half years.

I drove around for over an hour, not because I couldn't find a place to eat, but because I was trying to talk myself into having a drink. I had earned it, I thought. Not only had I turned my life around, but I had also matured to the 34 year old who had just landed a new job in only seven days. I had been working out for two years, and I had become the person I always wanted to be. I was loved and admired by so many, and I had succeeded in seeing a monumental project through from start to finish: the Atlanta Cotillion. I had money of my own, I was travelling, and I had friends and family I loved.

I realized as I drove that it was midnight, and the partying would only last for a few more hours. I grabbed fast food, and headed to Emerald City alone. All weekend, I was surrounded by beautiful, scantily clad boys. Although I knew many of those from Atlanta, and I was making new friends, I felt totally alone. I arrived at the club, quickly said "Hi" to some people I knew, but I was acting as though I was looking for someone. I was looking for a bar that had no Atlantans around it, so that I could order a drink. The decision was made long before, and my mind was made up. As I ordered my drink, I could barely believe I heard those words leave my mouth. It was done; I took my first sip as if I were drinking some sort of poison. I was scared because I had no idea how it would affect me. Would I be drunk off the first drink? I was slightly panicked. The first one was weak, but my alcoholism kicked in. I needed to find a male bartender in another secluded bar to make me a good drink. I got what I wanted, and then went and danced with my friends. The club was packed, so I spent the rest of the night socializing. After hanging out for a while, I went back to the hotel and went to bed.

I need to get this off my chest, partly because the drinking didn't end here, and I now realize the entire summer may take several posts. Also, a few months after drinking openly and honestly, the rumors began that I was also doing drugs, a myth that hurt my feelings, and I developed a resentment toward the gay recovery community. I consider myself an open book; someone who lives a somewhat private life, but also someone who is honest. As I continued to drink, so did the gossip. And ultimately, I realized, I was headed right back to where I started on 12/04/06, my (former) sobriety date.

"Never regret. If it's good, it's wonderful. If it's bad, it's experience." - Victoria Holt

AC 2010

2010-09-09T14:43:00.002-04:00

My Dear Friends,

We are now only 9 Days away from the 2010 Atlanta Cotillion, and I am reaching out to you for a final appeal for donations to help this incredibly worthy cause. The money collected by the debutantes goes directly to AID Atlanta, an organization that helps our own community, by providing life-saving medication for those living with HIV.

My great friend, Julio Leyva, has gone above and beyond this summer by hosting SIX fundraisers, all very successful! Not only has he surpassed my 2009 total, but he has also tapped into the community with his gentle, friendly demeanor. He has reached out to people within the gay community who have never heard of the Cotillion, and all the good it does. His efforts to educate people throughout our diverse city have been nothing short of fearless. I am honored to be escorting him to the Atlanta Cotillion this year.

Despite his successes, he still needs help in these final few days, so please don't wait! Contribute TODAY!!

Please help in one of two ways:

Visit Julio's Cotillion page and make a donation of ANY amount. All donations are appreciated, especially in these difficult financial times;
Come with us to the Ball itself on September 18th! I promise you will have the time of your life! Seats at the Ball are $150/person, unless you attend in an evening gown; the price then drops to $75/person.

Follow this link to make a donation or to purchase seats (don't forget to choose Julio as your deb):

http://www.atlantacotillion.com/Page.aspx?pid=402&frsid=17399

Please feel free to contact me should you have any trouble with the Cotillion website, or if you have any questions about Cotillion.

From the bottom of my heart, Thank you!!

--
Kevin L. Malin

Cotillion Class of '09
www.KevinMalin.net

(404) 245-1324 cell
(404) 601-7833 fax

Tempting Debauchery in Pensacola . . . but I've Gotta Be Good!!

2010-06-04T17:10:00.005-04:00

Everything seemed to be happening all at once! I started my new job last Tuesday, and by Thursday morning, I was heading to Pensacola with a bunch of friends! I knew that it was going to be a weekend of underwear parties, drunkenness, sand, and sex. But I was exhausted from getting up at 6:45 am for my new career as an employment consultant in downtown Atlanta. So, I loaded up on coffee at Waffle House by the time zone boundary in Alabama, as we headed toward our beach destination.

I was so excited! The only time I had ever been to Pensacola during Memorial Weekend was just after a terrible hurricane hit the region a few years ago. I was with Jeremy, and we were pretty much alone on the beach that weekend. So, this would be my first time experiencing the throngs of gay men on the beach in their tiny speedos, showing each other their d!@ks for shots. As if that weren't enough, my friends and I were staying at the Portofino Island Resort, a.k.a. Gay Ground Zero. I think I was receiving underwear party invites on Facebook before the weekend even began, and of course, my friends expected me to act as Cruise Director. Good thing I brought my laptop. My flimsy LG Xenon wouldn't have handled the data usage this weekend would require.

We got to the hotel, and I must say, it was spectacular. Our 2 bed/2.5 bath condo on the twelfth floor of one of five towers was beautifully furnished, and surprisingly large enough for six. We dropped our things and went to Crabs for dinner, and just watched as the gaggles of gayness came filing in after a long drive from all parts of the South. It really was a total gay-takeover of a small beach community. The restaurants were flying our flag, and the hotels and guest houses were 90% pink.

And the next day at the beach . . . OMG!! I've never seen so much scantily-clad eye candy. Yikes! I thought I might "behave" myself this weekend because of my new job, which is going really well, by the way. I didn't want to go back to work more exhausted than when I left. I was not only going to have a fabulous weekend, but I was also going to get some much needed rest! So, I slept in most days. I didn't feel bad about it. I'd get up around 11:30 am and hit the gym, and then drive to the beach (when the early folks are just beginning to leave), and snag a rock-star parking spot. The boys DID look yummy in their gay Aussie-bums. It was fun walking along the beach saying Hi to the ATL boys, and getting checked-out by the boys from Dallas or New Orleans. Never was I more grateful for my last two-years of regular fitness.

So, both nights, Thursday & Friday, we planned on starting at underwear parties, and then going to other parties at the Portofino. And BOTH NIGHTS, the underwear parties were broken up by security and police. Noise complaints were coming from breeders in the hotel. We went to parties both night, but because we missed out on the underwear fun, we decided to go to Saturday night's underwear party when it began. So, of course, we were the first dweebs there! But no matter; the penthouse filled quickly with a party of half-naked twinkies. I mostly "hung-out" with a few of my Atlanta boys, but I also met several new faces.

Security swiftly broke up that party as well, and many of us were getting a little annoyed that a resort facing the probability of a well-oiled beach in its near future would treat the gays with hostility. As the weekend progressed, the boys continued to party hard, and the police presence grew. Cop cars positioned themselves throughout the resort's drive-ways, as if the terror level had been raised to fuchsia, and we were on the brink of an all-out, thousand-man orgy.

Speaking of which, with all of that latent sexual energy lighting up the night sky in the form of a distant storm, I, Kevin Logan Malin, did NOT get laid all weekend! And it wasn't for not trying. I'm sure there will soon be photos on Facebook of me in this tiny, revealing yellow number I borrowed from a friend. Why do I gravitate to YELLOW?

On Sunday night, I escaped the beach for downtown Pensacola to visit Emerald City, the local gay club. I got there just after midnight, so the place was hoppin' when I walked in. They played some good music, had a drag show, and a dance contest. It ended up being a great way to finish up the weekend.

The next day, after only four hours of sleep, we piled back into the Rodeo and headed for home. It was an awesome experience, to say the least, and I'm already looking forward to next year!!

I'm Thrown a Curve-ball . . .

2010-05-18T17:52:00.006-04:00

So, I'm going to talk about work for a minute . . . try not to get bored.

Last Monday, my boss told me the very unfortunate news that the on-site agents will experience a base salary pay-cut of a substantial amount. No, I didn't fall to pieces, but I did get scared considering I haven't sold a home recently. The market has shown some growth, but with this news, things were about to get ugly.

I knew what I had to do, but the thought of looking for a new job in this economy was not only daunting, but finding new employment seemed like it would be next-to-impossible. When I thought of the many friends who have been looking for work for the passed several months, I wondered what more I could do to stand out and get noticed.

That night, I started editing my resume, which I hadn't touched in a year. In the passed few years, thanks to quitting drinking, I've become more confident and less afraid to assert my qualifications and interests. It's really the only way to get ahead. Confidence and self-esteem are so important, and although I still have lots of work to do in that department, I thought I composed a fairly good resume and cover letter. On a side-note, if you're applying for jobs at the moment, get someone to convert your resume from a Word document to a PDF file because you never know how a Word doc is going to open on someone else's computer. A good friend gave me that advice.

I started letting close friends know that I was seriously looking for a new job. I gave them a general job description, and mentioned that if they hear of anything to please let me know. Within about a week, I probably applied for about 75 online job postings. I tried to take the time to personalize each one. I spent my nights at home in front of the TV while sending out resumes. In fact, I'm itching to go out and have some fun!

Anyway, I started to receive several phone calls, and many emails. I've noticed that there are lots of job scams out there online. I feel that if an employer can't pick up the phone and call me, there has got to be something shady going on. And I think it's awful that there are people out there praying on the many unemployed, honest people out there.

I received a call on Friday about an account executive position. I called back, and this polite, eloquent gentleman in New York answered and described his company and the position. The new account manager would be responsible for matching job-seekers with their clients, large companies and the government. They were looking for someone with a sales background who tends to also be socially-conscious. The job-seekers are people who may have less-than desirable histories or backgrounds. I know this may sound crazy, but this may be the challenge I've been hoping for! I was phone-interviewed twice yesterday (Monday), and then I met with a New York executive, along with the Atlanta manager this morning. Once my references checked out this afternoon, I was offered the position! It all happened soooooooooo fast!!!

So, here I am, sitting at home, ready to watch American Idol and stuff my face with something fattening. But the out-of-control celebrating won't end there . . . my friends and I are planning to meet at Swinging Richard's tonight for some good, old-fashioned lap-dances. One of the most exciting things about all this is that I will now have weekends off!! Wow! This is kind of how I envisioned things: a good, steady 9-to-5, and the occasional real estate deal on the weekends. The End.

Easter . . . Postponed

2010-04-08T13:56:00.005-04:00

This passed weekend was filled with fun, gay things to do in Atlanta: Frank Buda's annual Easter Bonnet Party was attended by many Cotillion friends, and the Armorettes held their annual Easter Drag Races in the Blake's parking lot. I saw some photos taken by Project Q, and it looked like plenty of shirtless boys were out and about enjoying the suddenly summer-like weather we were experiencing after a rough and long winter.

I was stuck at the airport for much of the weekend trying to catch a flight to Westchester, NY, to visit my family for Easter. I missed out on the fun a few miles away in Midtown.

A few months ago, I noticed that the airfare to New York was climbing, and during holiday weekends, the prices usually spike. So, I called on a friend at Air Tran who I competed against in last year's Atlanta Cotillion, and got hold of a buddy-pass. I guess I didn't think Easter weekend would be as busy as it was, so unfortunately for me, flights up and down the East Coast were booked solid. Instead of partying with friends on my first Sunday off this year, I was stuck at the airport, trying to get on any flight to the NYC region or Boston.

It was my own fault. Of course people would be travelling to see their families. I was upset, sad, and depressed. My family was disappointed, and several of my friends were looking forward to spending time with me, including a friend I recently reconnected with thanks to Facebook who I hadn't spoken to since just after high school. I was eagerly looking forward to catching up with him; a few years ago, he came out of the closet.

Rescheduling everything, including a visit to the Late Show with David Letterman, proved to be simple enough. My boss was flexible, and I let my family know I'd come in two weeks instead. But I was still feeling hungry, angry, lonely, & tired (HALT, in recovery terms), so I decided I needed a meeting. I went to the 1:30 pm Tuesday meeting at NABA, and it was exactly what I needed! I hadn't been to a meeting since January (tisk, tisk), and I know from being in the rooms that maybe I was closer to drinking than I realized. This particular meeting "reset" my spirit, and I was feeling grateful to have a family who looks forward to my visits. I also felt very fortunate to have plently of friends here in Atlanta, and in the NYC area. The new-found humility and gratitude I felt was profound. I briefly felt bad for wallowing in my own pity, but if I don't persevere through self-pity, I get down and depressed. I feel like the world owes me something; that the occurrences of the weekend made me a victim, even though nothing catastrophic happened. My disease looks for these excuses to escape into self-pity, and once I do, I want to change the way I feel with alcohol. Wouldn't it be great to get drunk and forget about my responsibilities? Couldn't I just take off somewhere and indulge?

The effects of drinking after three years would be catastrophic, however. Not only would I have a seriously painful hangover, but the disappointment my family, friends, and I would feel would really set things back.

The last few days have brought about a much-needed positive shift in my attitude. After the meeting, I went to the gym and worked out hard. I continue my almost-daily workouts because it frees me of pent-up aggression, and I always feel good about myself afterwards. Not to mention, speedo season is practically upon us!

Last night, I stayed up late to watch The Buddha on PBS. What an amazing and inspiring story! And what perfect timing! I learned about how Buddhists believe that the unhappiness humans often experience are the makings of the ego. Our own minds create the hell we can sometimes live in. It was all very much in accord with Ekhart Tolle's teachings, so I was on the edge of my seat for the program's entirety. I feel a bit more enlightened today. And I loved the way it ended: someone asked the Buddha who he was. His answer: the One who woke up.

This isn't about us . . .

2010-03-30T14:01:00.004-04:00

It’s a beautiful day to have the day off, and I’m doing some stuff around the house in preparation for my Easter trip to New York this weekend. I’m listening to Ricky Martin’s greatest hits as a celebratory gesture of his coming out of the closet yesterday. Some of the new songs I haven’t heard, mainly because my Spanish sucks, and he hasn’t done any English songs in a while.

As I was reading the coverage of his announcement, I noticed that many wrote about how this would have been significant had he come out when he was ‘big,’ like back in the ‘90s. Yes, many of us already suspected his true sexual preference, and yes he hasn’t been in the (American) public eye lately, but what we don’t see is that he’s been creating beautiful Spanish music all along.

The fact is this is enormously significant to gay Latinos all over the world. In fact, it’s a HUGE victory for gay people in Ricky’s native Puerto Rico, and for gays all over Latin America, especially since Latinos typically grow up in homophobic homes, with fewer, if any, role models. They look to openly-gay Americans and Europeans for inspiration to come out of the closet in their more hostile family and work environments.

This past November, I went to Puerto Rico to celebrate my birthday with a few close friends. While we were vacationing in San Juan, on another part of the island that same weekend, a gay male teenager was savagely murdered for being gay.

Several years back, I attended my cousin’s wedding in El Salvador, where the minister spoke out against gay marriage during the service. I had gotten married in Massachusetts the year prior, and as I squirmed in my seat, I was deeply offended and personally hurt that the minister would turn my cousin’s wedding into a political statement for his hateful agenda.

Last year, two men were legally married in Argentina, only to be stripped of their legal status when a judge overturned the decision.

Latin America has a long way to go in regard to civil rights, so, you may not be a big Ricky fan like me, but please join me in celebrating his courageous move. Gay Latinos everywhere now have a respectable, talented, clean-cut, handsome role model who will surely inspire others to live openly and honestly. Not to mention, his kids will grow up with a Dad they can admire.

LOVE ON THE ROCKS is going to be GREAT this year!

2010-02-01T15:40:00.005-05:00

On Sunday of this week, I travelled up to Sandy Springs to meet with a REALTOR I'll be covering for in the next few days as he relocates his family to the Atlanta area. I'm very happy to help, and as a result we got to talking. He mentioned that he found my contact info on Facebook, and as he did, he noticed that I write very well. It was a sweet thing to say, and it was a reminder to myself that life rewards me in unexpected ways when I follow-through with my well-meaning intentions. It also reminded me that I have this blog I've been neglecting for the passed few months.

Since the Atlanta Cotillion ended last September, I've been out of the spotlight, and I've been enjoying it. I haven't had exciting things to blog about or upcoming events to promote. My life has been quiet, for a change. In the old days of drinking, my life was a constant roller-coaster ride that I reluctantly stepped off of. But the excitement didn't end because a new life was just beginning. Sobriety was exciting, and my new recovery friends were traversing sobriety with me.

In August of 2008, I decided it was time to take on a new cause: the Atlanta Cotillion, a long-term fundraising commitment that was extremely rewarding. The 2009 Class raised a combined $120,000 for those living with HIV/AIDS. Not only was it an amazing experience, it was also a lot of fun, and I made lots of great new friends along the way. It solidified the fact that Atlanta, Georgia was indeed my home.

It's been several months now, and we're well into 2010. Work is slow, and I'm getting a little restless. There are only so many nights I can come home from the gym and lie on my sofa, only to end up in a fit of tears while watching the latest episode of Intervention. I know I'll be involved in the Cotillion this year as I help my daughter, Julio, prepare for his campaign, but my involvement will be limited to an advisory role. So, I'm asking myself the question, What do I want 2010 to be?

One of my favorite causes here in Atlanta is Joining Hearts, a series of parties thrown throughout the year that also benefits agencies that help people with HIV. Their big summer party is one of my favorites in Atlanta. Thousands of gay men descend upon Piedmont Park's beautiful pool and party with a world-class DJ while sipping Grey Goose martinis under a fireworks-filled sky. What better way to spend a sultry July evening! I decided to attend their informational meeting last week to find out more about volunteering. We met at No Mas Cantina, a Mexican restaurant conveniently close to my beautiful new home in Grant Park. My anxiety subsided as I was greeted by many familiar faces. We learned about an exciting upcoming party for Valentine's Day, Love on the Rocks, which I attended last year with a date I shouldn't have gone with. First, he turned out to be a jerk, and second, he didn't want to stay at the party more than twenty minutes. I remember enjoying the delicious array of desserts that were scattered about the event space. Campy drag queens provided some hilarious entertainment. It's a party heavily attended by single gay men, and since my single status hasn't changed since the end of my marriage three years ago, I'm ready to mingle! Luckily in Atlanta's gay community, philanthropy and pleasure go hand-in-hand.

This year's event will be a memorable one, complete with gourmet bites and chocolates by Bridge Catering, drinks by Grey Goose, and Love on the Rocks Heartthrobs! Maybe I'll meet a heartthrob of my own!

Excerpt from The Power of Now, by Ekhart Tolle

2010-01-16T14:37:00.003-05:00

"As long as the egoic mind is running your life, you cannot truly be at ease; you cannot be at peace or fulfilled except for brief intervals when you obtained what you wanted, when a craving has just been fulfilled. Since the ego is a derived sense of self, it needs to identify with external things. It needs to be both defended and fed constantly. The most common ego identifications have to do with possessions, the work you do, social status and recognition, knowledge and education, physical appearance, special abilities, relationships, personal and family history, belief systems, and often also political, nationalistic, racial, religious, and other collective identifications. None of these is you."

Another good paragraph from Geography of Bliss: Iceland

2009-12-19T16:42:00.001-05:00

Necessity may be the mother of invention, but interdependence is the mother of affection. We humans need one another, so we cooperate - for purely selfish reasons at first. At some point, though, the needing fades and all that remains is the cooperation. We help other people because we can, or because it makes us feel good, not because we're counting on some payback. There a word for this: love. p. 178

Excerpts: The Geography of Bliss: Bhutan & Qatar

2009-12-18T16:41:00.003-05:00

Page 108

In the west and in the United States especially, we try to eliminate the need for compromise. Cars have "personal climate controls" so that driver and passenger need not negotiate a mutually agreeable temperature. That same pair, let's say they're husband and wife, need not agree on the ideal firmness of their mattress, either. Each can set their own "personal comfort level." We embrace these technologies. Why shouldn't everyone enjoy their own personal comfort level, be it in a car or in a bed? I wonder, though, what we lose through such conveniences. If we no longer must compromise on the easy stuff, like mattresses, then what about the the truly important issues? Compromise is a skill, and like all skills it atrophies from lack of use.

Page 156

Wanting things we don't like. If true, it pretty much demolishes the entire field of economics. Economists base their studies on the premise that rational human beings pursue things that will increase their "utility," economist-speak for happiness. Joe works overtime, hardly seeing his family, so he can save money to buy a new BMW. Therefore, the new BMW must increase Joe's utility, his happiness. What economists fail to take into account is that Joe is a moron. No, that's not entirely fair. Joe is not a moron; but Joe's brain clearly is. It's been wired in a way that compels Joe to chase after things that don't make him happy.

Cotillion!!!

2009-09-20T14:44:00.004-04:00

All I have to say is, "WOW!!" The 2009 Atlanta Cotillion was an incredible evening! It's the day after, and I'm on such a high, for so many reasons. As the photos pop up on Facebook, it's hard to really think of anything else in the world right now. The event itself was soooooo much work, but the rewarding feeling of fulfillment will keep me glowing for weeks. The makeup will eventually wash off, but I'm a changed man forever.

The idea of the Cotillion itself is so unique: a drag ball to raise money for a charity close to our hearts. It's such a great way to bring the community together. And now, after almost four years of living in Atlanta, the gay community here is MY community. We all did something GOOD for our fellow man, but at the same time, we had such a fun time!

During this passed week, between work and selling a condo, I was BUSY picking up pantie hose, eyeliner, dresses, wigs, shoes, and everything else to complete my look. On Friday night, my good friend, Jason, who was going to style my wig, called me with some bad news. A tree fell on his house, and he hadn't done the wig yet. I was freaking out, but he assured me that it would be ready for the Ball. I got off the phone with him, picked up my white gown from my friend, Jeffrey, and then went home to shave my body. I don't grown much hair, so it was a quick and easy process.

On the day of the Ball, Julio and I met the other debutantes at noon at the venue for a rehearsal. We had done one earlier in the week where I walked in my brand new heels for the first time. Walking in heels came to me a little easier than I had expected. I kept catastrophizing the future in my head, and I thought I'd fall off the runway at the Ball or something crazy.

At about 2:30, I went to Phoenix's apartment for my makeup. Phoenix is an incredibly talented drag queen who regularly gives show-stopping performances at Blake's, Jungle, and other places in the city. She's also an extremely talented makeup artist, and because this Ball was so important, I wanted the best team helping me. In an hour and a half, Phoenix transformed me into a beautiful, sexy, Latina temptress. My expectations were exceeded, and I started to feel more and more comfortable playing the part of my other persona, Chelsea.

My escort, Julio, and I, returned to the Foundry at Puritan Mill (the venue for the Ball) for rehearsal number three, an hour and a half before guests would arrive. I spent a considerable amount of time after rehearsal in the bathroom trying to tape my boobs properly so they wouldn't move. I also had two sets of jewelry to coordinate with my red-carpet dress, and my white ball gown. Being in drag is hard work! But, people were amazed at how beautiful of a woman I was. I received compliments all night long.

My good friend, Jeffrey, who also was the star of my Cotillion fundraiser, Laughter is the Best Medicine, co-hosted the night with Q100's Bert Weiss. Bert stood on a milk crate behind the podium because he's pretty short, and Jeffrey, all done up in drag, towered above him. As they began presenting the debutantes, I began to get nervous for the first time. My heart started beating faster as I walked up the stairs of the stage, and I saw Julio on the other side, ready to walk out with me.

"Presenting, Miss Chelsea Fitzgerald de Rothchild!"

I walked to Julio on stage, did my curtsy quite well, and then walked the runway. A cheer rose from the crowd as I confidently walked to the end, and then back to Julio, where I curtsied a second time. This was a MUCH bigger deal than the time I walked the runway in a New York fashion show as a Tommy Hilfiger-exclusive in the mid-90s. As I walked down the front steps into the crowd, Julio held my hand to assist me. My knees buckled a bit, but I made it to my table to sit and relax for a minute with Julio, Jay, and Jeromy (the star designer from my Fashion for a Cause Party). Two guys in drag and a guy in a tuxedo who sat at my table, I didn't know. They were incredibly sweet, loving guys who explained that they decided to support my campaign without knowing me because of what I had written as my reason for entering the fundraiser contest. It had been published in David magazine and on the AID Atlanta website. I was floored by this, and I had to keep from shedding any tears as they would have messed up my mascara.

The debs met backstage one last time for the crowning of the Queen, the winner of the fundraiser. I knew I wasn't going to win, and I was totally fine with that. Bert and Jeffrey asked Michael and Alex to step forward as the two top fundraisers, so that they could reveal the winner American Idol-style. Michael was crowned Queen, and he danced with his crown on the runway. I'm so genuinely happy for him!

Our show came to an end - but the night was only beginning. We all felt like beautiful celebrities as we walked into the crowd and greeted people who wanted photos with us. Shortly thereafter, I put my purple dress back on and slid into my sneakers. Julio, Jeremy, and I snuck out and went to my place. We sat down on the couch for about a half hour and watched the making of Janet Jackson's tribute to Michael on the VMAs a week earlier. After our quiet break, we hopped in the car and headed to Jungle, where the official Cotillion after-party was getting underway.

Jungle was packed with all types of gays that night. Hot circuit boys, beautifully coiffed drag queens, twinks, and bears, were everywhere! The promoters sectioned part of the club for the Cotillion attendees, which was where I parked myself whenever my feet throbbed. I sat down next to a dead-ringer for Marilyn Monroe. She was sweet, kind, and drunk; and I was beginning to feel like the only non-drinker there. No matter. I ran into Debbie, the mother of a gay youngster, Ian. She goes out a lot and is a prominent figure in our community. She gasped when she saw me, as many did that night. She loved how I looked, and it was just so wonderful to talk to her. She even said my voice was fitting for my persona, and I wasn't very surprised because my voice is a tad bit gay. It was getting late, and I was getting very tired, so I told Julio I was ready to leave around 1:30 a.m. As we were about to leave, I ran into my good friends, Chris and Carl. As we spoke, a great dance song came on, and I looked toward the stage, and suddenly Phoenix came out and started her performance. Jeremy handed me a $5, and said, "Tip her!" Here she was, the drag queen who made me beautiful, was breathtaking in all her glory. We pushed our way through the crowd to the front of the stage, and I tipped her.

At that moment, I was reminded to be grateful, because I didn't do this. I was surrounded by the most beautiful, loving people who were so willing to help me throughout this entire journey. If I were to thank everyone who helped me, the list would go on and on. So many new friends were made, including my fellow debutantes who I love, love, love! And even my ex-husband, Jeremy, and I became something better than ex's: we now have a great, new friendship! So many blessing have been packed into this one, short summer!

So, at the end of the night, I dropped off a tipsy Julio at his place on the park, and I went home, hoping no one would see me in half-drag, by then. My wig had come loose, and so I pulled it off. I went to bed cuddled up with Pumba & Simba, and tried to sleep with intense emotions swirling 'round in my head. "I did it. I can't believe I did it," I thought as I dosed off.

Seamus Visits, Wet 'N Wild, & A Sunday Afternoon Protest

2009-09-14T14:04:00.010-04:00

"So, are you ready for your big debut??"

That's been the big question all summer long.

"Actually, I'm still collecting donations. Would you like to contribute? The money goes to AID Atlanta to help those with HIV."

"What's your dress look like?"

"Do you have a wig yet?"

"How are you in heels?"

"Have you ever done drag before?"

"I have one more fundraiser this weekend. We're gonna have great food, drinks, and entertainment around a beautiful pool setting. You should come have fun and support me!"

"I'll be out of town that night."

When people think of the Atlanta Cotillion, they generally think of one thing: men in drag. They picture the pomp and circumstance of getting all dolled up for a gala evening. The good that is done by raising money for AID Atlanta is secondary. And I guess it has to be, because if the Cotillion wasn't something that gay men got excited about, it wouldn't happen at all.

So, in a way, I've had to entertain people with the details of the white gown I'm wearing, and that my make-up is going to be done by the super-talented, Phoenix. These things are certainly exciting, but because this has been a tough road, I've focused on producing four entertaining fundraiser-parties, and I've left the details of my garb for the last minute.

Well, the last minute is here! This passed weekend, not only did I have my final fundraiser, Wet 'N Wild, but I also entertained my little brother, Seamus, who was in town for only one night. He flew down from Connecticut for the wedding of a friend, borrowed my car while I was at work, and stayed with me. We had a great time on Friday night. The two of us went out to Casa Grande for dinner, and then we went to the Graveyard, a str8 bar down the street from Mary's.

The following night, I hosted my pool party. We had a small turnout, but those of us who were there had a truly fabulous time. Sher from David took photos, along with my photographer/friend, Louis, who practically did an entire photo shoot of the boys in speedo's. Everyone contributed something, and we all partied until well passed the end of the fundraiser. The food from Ray's on the River was divine, so although we were in swimsuits, we ate like pigs! We stayed at Joe's pool until 11, and then went to Mixx to support my friend, Jay, who was DJing at that bar for the first time.

On Sunday, after work, I attended a protest outside the Eagle. It had been raided, 1969-style, on Thursday night. This sort of thing absolutely cannot happen, especially when Atlanta expects to have a cosmopolitan image. No drugs were found, and everyone had been released. It is my opinion that the police have no right to conduct the raid of a gay bar simply because many cops dislike gay people. The cops voiced their disgust for gay people during the raid! This is completely unacceptable, and the gay community rallied together to protest the disturbing treatment of those at the bar on Thursday night. It was exhilarating and emotional for me to be at a protest. I was happy to be a part of it.

I ended the weekend on a relaxed note by having a handful of friends over to watch the sometimes shocking, sometimes funny MTV Video Music Awards on Sunday night. I was exceptionally excited to see the show this year because of MJ's tribute at the opening of the show. Madonna gave a heartfelt account of her brief friendship with Michael, and how she felt that she and the world let Michael "fall through the cracks," which is exactly what happened. MJ should have been in treatment for drug addiction. Just sayin'.

After Madge finished up, an army of dancers did a dance tribute. But what followed that was amazing! Scream began, and Janet Jackson came out and performed alongside Michael's image behind her. She did an amazing job, and it was amazing to me how poigniant Scream is now that MJ is gone. Not only was it the siblings' only duet, but it was also his demand for privacy and justice.

So, now that the weekend's over, this whole week will be devoted to drag!!

A Final Appeal

2009-09-08T12:04:00.002-04:00

Dear Friends,

The 2009 Atlanta Cotillion fundraising season is now coming to a close. On September 15th, I’ll be accepting the final donations and seat purchases for my campaign.

Not only has this experience been exciting and fulfilling, it has also been very difficult to ask friends and acquaintances to give during a time of recession. I’ve met so many new faces during this fundraising effort, and I’ve also encountered many who are no longer employed, under-employed, or simply struggling to make ends meet. So, first and foremost, I want to thank all of you who have given to my campaign, either monetarily, or by donating your time, home, resources, talents, and even your words of encouragement. I appreciate it more than you know, and the clients of AID Atlanta are better off as a result of your love and support.

On Saturday, September 12th, I’ll be hosting my final fundraiser, Wet ‘N Wild, at 5:00pm, and I hope you can make it. It will be an intimate pool party at my friend’s home in Lenox Hills. We’ll have food by Ray’s on the River, music, drinks, contests, and prizes. Please come and support the Atlanta Cotillion!

If you are still planning to make a donation towards my campaign, this is your final week to do so. Please visit http://www.atlantacotillion.com/ or http://www.kevinmalin.net/ to make a donation.

THANK YOU!

- Kevin

A Gay RoundUp

2009-09-08T10:58:00.002-04:00

It’s Labor Day Weekend!! And the Hotlanta RoundUp is in full swing! This year, the gay recovery convention and party has had over 350 registrants, and although I’ve had to work during the daytime events, I’ve had a wonderful time so far. It’s being held at the Georgia Tech Hotel & Convention Center, which is a really nice venue.

I headed over there on Friday evening after work, attended the Young & Fabulous meeting, and then stuffed my face during the opening reception (the chicken wings were delicious!) The speaker meeting afterwards featured a speaker who was called in at the last minute. He was probably about 50 years old, looked exceptionally young for his age, and was originally from Cuba, now residing in Miami. His story took us through his early days of drinking, partying, and failing at jobs and relationships. What he is like now is in complete contrast to who he was. He’s been sober for many years, is a respected member of the hotel industry in Miami, and has two sponsors and several sponsees who help him stay sober.

The entertainment for the evening featured a fun, variety show based on the Twelve Steps, and it was hosted by the exceptionally hilarious, Giselle, a drag queen in recovery. My friend, Kevin, was in the show, also in drag, so his boyfriend Dennis (not in recovery) came to the show to take photos. I sat with Dennis, and we watched, laughed, and sang along. Kevin came on stage and did this number for the Ninth Step, and sang a song about making amends. It was so entertaining! We had a wonderful time that night!

I got up Saturday morning and went to work. Meanwhile, at the RoundUp, workshops on stepwork and other aspects of recovery were going on all day. I got out of work, went to the gym for a quick workout, and then headed back to the RoundUp. I got there in time for the Countdown, which is a really fun activity where the speaker counts from One Day, to Thirty-Three Years, and as each increment of time is reached, the people with the corresponding time in Sobriety stand up. I have thirty-three months at this point, but I made a mistake and stood up at Three Years, when I should have stood up at Two. My response time was slow after a long day. :-)

Next was the speaker for the night. She was a straight woman whose story was FILLED with drama! How incredibly juicy! Her sponsors had been gay men, and her life had been riddled with so much insanity, that we totally ate it up! It really made my night!

At the same time all this was going on, this super-hot stud I’m seeing was having a party for those not attending the RoundUp at his place in Grant Park. As I often do, I wanted to squeeze in the RoundUp and make an appearance at the party. And because the party was attended by others in recovery, it was almost like going to a RoundUp event. So, after the speaker was done, I spent some moments saying Hello to people, including my good friend, Rand, and then I excused myself and snuck out to the party.

The party was so much fun! “J” and his roommates went all out with the food! Everything was great! We hung out, chatted, ate, smoked; and then around 12:15am, we went to the Heretic! I had no plans on going to bars/clubs this weekend, but I also was planning on doing whatever J wanted to do, so off we went!

Usually, when I go to the Heretic, it’s a Friday night, not Saturday, and the group there is usually an attractive crowd with a sprinkling of boys from Gravity Fitness. However, this was a Saturday night, and I knew no one. But that was cool because I was with my fellow non-drinkers. We ended the night by making a spontaneous, surprise appearance at the Eagle! I hadn’t been in a while and it was actually more fun than Heretic was!

On Sunday, I had to work, and after having a late night out, I was pretty beat. So, Sunday night, I stayed in a caught up on some needed rest. I caught up with the RoundUp people on Monday at one of the largest noon meetings at Galano I'd ever been to. The topic was Step Three: turning our lives over to the care of God.

After the meeting, everyone went to McClatchey Park, where members of Galano and attendees of the RoundUp converged for a cookout. It was a really great gathering of folks, and a wonderful way to end a long, productive, non-stop, and spiritually fulfilling weekend.

I Am Powerless . . .

2009-09-06T13:46:00.003-04:00

It’s been an busy summer! I’ve hosted several fundraiser parties for my bid for the Atlanta Cotillion, and I have one left before the fundraising is over. The final one will be an intimate pool party at my friend, Joe’s. He has a beautiful home off Buford Highway, and I’ve got people to help with putting it together. Jeffrey will help with the logistics, and Julio will probably be a shirtless bartender. Joe secured Ray’s on the River as the food provider. I wish Jay could be there to DJ, but he has to DJ another function later that evening. It’s cool, though; he’s been a big help to my campaign.

I guess this is what I came to Atlanta to accomplish. Back in Boston, I knew lots of people, but they knew me as a fun, cute drunk. People didn’t take me seriously. And how could they? I’d see someone during the day, and they’d ask if my head still hurt from hitting it on another barstool the night before. I wouldn’t know what they were talking about.

Now, here in Atlanta, and as a side benefit from the Cotillion, I know quite a few people, my image has been everywhere, and people take me just a tad more seriously than back in the old days. It’s nice! More importantly, my real estate career is benefitting from the exposure as well!

At the same time, I’m keeping my dangerous ego in check. My purpose for my involvement with the Cotillion is solely to benefit an organization that helps people with HIV. But it would be very easy for me to eat up the attention I’m getting on Facebook from my recent wet t-shirt photo shoot I did for the pool party invite. I did it to get people to the party, but I also did it for myself. I wanted an esteem boost without boosting my ego, because my ego will lead me right to a nice, cold Corona with lime. Sounds harmless; doesn’t it?

I’m not even exactly sure what I want to do with my future. But now that Atlanta is my home (for the next bunch of years, at least), it’s good to have a reputation associated with philanthropy. Real estate is how I make my living right now, but I’m not sure that I’m truly passionate about it. Maybe I’m still searching for my passion. I often have feelings of inadequacy that go something like this: I’m almost thirty-four, but I still feel like a young student who isn’t sure about what to do with himself next.

All of this, of course, has to do with my control issues. I’m an alcoholic, and generally alcoholics try to control more than they can. I know now, that I actually can’t control ANYTHING, much less the future, so I should really just let it unfold. If I do, I’m actually pleasantly surprised with what life brings.

Last week, for instance, I ran into this guy I know from AA. He’s got time, he’s insanely attractive, he’s got a great law career, and . . . he likes me! I had absolutely no idea. In fact, I thought he was arrogant and self-absorbed, but it was only because I had a crush on him, and I thought he should pay more attention to me. Now, who’s self-absorbed?? So, we’re talking and getting to know each other right now, and I’m very excited about it! And it wasn’t because I was looking for a guy, or because I’m in the Cotillion. It happened completely independently of everything I’m trying to control.

So, I don’t know exactly what my future has in store for me, but things are going well with work, in my social life, with my family, and with this new guy. I’m moving to a beautiful, new home, with lots of room at the end of October. In fact, I’ll be moving over the weekend that happens to be my birthday, Halloween, and Atlanta Gay Pride. That’s going to be another busy weekend!

The Main Event Quickly Approaching

2009-08-03T11:02:00.007-04:00

It's been a busy few weeks!! With the help of some exceptional friends and generous community members, we pulled off a successful Cotillion fundraiser at Cowtippers last Wednesday. I want to take a second to thank those who helped with the event, and those who contributed products or services:

Julio Leyva of Helmet

Mo Cowan of Joe's Trivia

Edward Robinson of Gravity Fitness

Cory Camp of Helmet

CJ of Helmet

Alfredo Olvera of Nordstrom

Louis Lindic Photography

Phillip Rafshoon of Outwrite

Jeffrey Blooms Events

and, of course, Steve Tyrell & his staff at Cowtippers

Having the first event has given me a renewed sense of determination and confidence. And with one event under our belts, my committee and I are anticipating a successful, fun, and rewarding fundraiser this Saturday at 7pm at Helmet in East Atlanta. We've brought together some prominent figures in Atlanta's gay community for a very fashionable party that will feature a cutting-edge runway show in which Boy Next Door and local designer extraordinaire, Jeromy Allen Wiborg, will feature their flashy threads.

Farewell, MJ

2009-07-07T17:00:00.005-04:00

The passed two weeks have been eventful, to say the least! Let's go back to June 24th. It was a day off from my new job at Luxe (which is going quite well, by-the-way), and I was running around with Mo. We meet up on Wednesdays to discuss and plan Atlanta Cotillion events. So far, we have a trivia night at Cowtippers in the works, a beer bust at Joe's, a house party/fashion show at Herbert's, a comedy night at the Park Tavern featuring Jeffrey Blums, and a joint-debutante party at the Georgian Terrace. So, things are progressing, and I couldn't be doing this without the help of my committee: Mo, Julio, & Jay.

We've suffered several set-backs so far, most-recently when Mixx denied our request to host a party there. Their reasons were that they didn't want an outside DJ, they hated the idea for a drag show, the party couldn't be on a weekend, and a few other reasons. I quickly formed a resentment towards Mixx like a true alcoholic, however, I will let it go and focus on the other venues.

Thursday came, and I was excited to be doing a photo shoot with my good friend, Josh, who is also an amazing professional photographer. I disliked the headshot we did for the Cotillion, and I thought Josh & I could do better. We went to the park for a couple of hours and had a great time! The photos, by the way, came out great, and you can view them on Facebook.

I headed home to change for the gym, and my ex-husband and now good friend, Jeremy, called. I answered, and he immediately asked, "Did Michael Jackson die?"

I was like, "What??"

"Yeah, I think he really died."

I put on CNN and got onto Facebook, and after about an hour, it seemed quite certain that he was gone. I went to the gym, and was almost in tears as I worked out. For the rest of the evening, I received phone calls, text messages, and Facebook notifications from friends around the country asking me if I was okay. Friends I hadn't heard from in years were contacting me and telling me that they thought of me first, when they heard the news.

My younger friends were unphased and somewhat insensitive at times, but it was the people I had gone to school with who were sad and confused by his death. I was about six when Thriller was released, and my two brothers and I bought MJ jackets that looked like the one he wore in Beat It. We played that record over and over for a really long time. I was a huge fan. He was the greatest artist to me when I was a kid. When Dangerous came out, I studied the music and lyrics as if I were to be tested. It's still my favorite album. I watched the world premiers of Black or White and Remember the Time, and they were the greatest videos ever.

I was at Tower Records in Times Square at midnight for the release of HIStory, and I dressed up as Michael my senior year of high school for Halloween. It was so much fun because although people knew it wasn't really him, they screamed with delight anyway! I did it again in college, and I won third place for best costume!

I had forgotten that I admired him as much as I did, until the calls came in on that dark day. I was home in New York this passed weekend to visit my family, and some of my friends brought up the times I had dressed up as MJ.

Today was his memorial service in LA, and I got to watch a little of it at work, and it seemed most of the world was doing the same. It's a terrible loss to the whole world to have lost someone so talented and giving. He gave of himself more than almost anyone. His daughter, Paris, spoke at the end of the service as Janet stood by her side, and even without sound on my computer, I started to cry, because I imagined how awful it must be for the family.

I just want to say that I truly believe that he was a good human being, someone who was terribly misunderstood, and someone who paid a dear price for incredible fame and success. He was a talent we'll never see again, because there will only be one Michael Jackson.

New Job, New Home, New Direction!!

2009-05-23T15:19:00.003-04:00

It’s Memorial Day Weekend in Atlanta, and I’m at my new job at Luxe Midtown. Many of my friends are vacationing in Pensacola, Provincetown, Fort Lauderdale, and Dallas. I’m actually happy and grateful to be at work instead of on a trip partaking in the fun debauchery that historically accompanies this weekend because, for the first time since my last drink over twenty-nine months ago, I have a full-time job that pays enough to cover all of my living expenses. For the passed couple of years, I’ve made a go at a real estate career while balancing part-time jobs at Gravity Fitness, Joe’s on Juniper, and even Nordstrom. I’ve recently decided that my individual real estate aspirations can take a back-seat role to something more stable, so I was recently hired as Luxe condominium’s new closing coordinator, and I love it! It’s really the perfect job during this recession because it’s real estate. Each day I’m here, I’m learning; and the knowledge I’ve acquired on my own is constantly refreshed, so I won’t forget legal terms and laws.

So, although I’m not at the beach, I’m earning a paycheck, and I have an extra day off for Memorial Day. I’m sure my friends are having a great time partying, but the weather this weekend is less-than desirable. I’m also going to be moving to a new home in the next week after my last shift at Gravity on Tuesday. My current living situation has become a bit dramatic, so as Mason moves to his new home in Brooklyn, I’ll be assuming residence at his condo, which is conveniently closer to Midtown.

As summer approaches, I try to devote my downtime to the Atlanta Cotillion, which is a fundraiser for AID Atlanta that I’m doing this year. I’m going to be throwing several summer parties to raise money for the cause, and it all culminates in September with a drag ball to celebrate he who has raised the most unrestricted funds. The winning debutante will be crowned Queen of the Cotillion. My good friend, Jay, is helping a great deal with the parties as they are a great opportunity for him to promote his party company, Spiked Productions. Ernest is also helping a great deal with his fundraising ideas and writing. Julio, who is now a celebrity in the community as a result of his swimsuit spread in David magazine, will be bartending at the parties. The whole effort still seems daunting to me as things fall into place. The $5,000 minimum to raise seems like such an enormous amount. I compare it to the $2,300 I raised for the Northeast AIDSRide back in June of ’01. But the difference is, I asked people for donations back then; I didn’t throw any parties. I also drank heavily back in those days. So, with the help I’m receiving from my friends, and all the connections I’ve made in Atlanta, I should be able to draw substantial crowds to the events.

And if you’re reading this, you’re support is obligatory! See you this summer!

A Short-Lived Affair

2009-03-31T20:14:00.003-04:00

It's been a few days since M & I broke up, and I'm still a little down in the dumps. What sucks the most is that we were so good together, but we both knew it wasn't going to work out. I know we'll be good friends, and that our relationship will evolve into what it was meant to be, but for now, I need to just keep my head up. I need to avoid blaming myself or him, and I need to avoid entertaining negative thoughts that might depress me. Most importantly, I need to avoid drinking alcohol over this. They say, we drink over the little things, and because this was a short-lived affair, it would fall into this dangerous category.

I'm not worried, though. Drinking is not something I'm contemplating. However, I am seriously thinking about finding some naive trick to rebound with. I'm sure some would say, "Go for it," and I'm not saying I won't. I'm only human, but I'm not sure how disrupted my serenity would be after such a fling. Do I really want to introduce more drama into my life?

Tonight, M & I are going to go out to Swinging Richard's. . . as friends. And at this point, I'm very happy to have him as a friend because he's an awesome guy.

Have I found love in Redneck Georgia?

2009-02-23T22:48:00.002-05:00

So, for the passed few weeks, I've been seeing this new guy, who I shall call M, for the purposes of privacy. We seem to have a lot in common, and there's definitely a lot of electricity between us. He's a very attractive, intelligent twenty-eight year-old architect from Baton Rouge. We established early on that we're both unconventional guys. I mean, our first date was at Swinging Richard's, if that says anything about us. Then again, my relationships have always been "progressive" in more ways than one.

It's been almost two years to the day that I've been single, and as thrilled as I am, I know much adjustment will have to occur. For instance, I'm working at the gym tonight, and my flirtatious nature is more prevalent to myself than usual. Not that I'm any more flirty than I usually am, it's just more obvious now that I've been in a relationship for the last twenty-four hours. Also, in the passed two years, I've become the happy bachelor, going out with friends and having fun while not necessarily looking for anyone or anything. I've become quite accustomed to having my own space, in my own bed, in my own decision-making, and especially in going wherever, whenever.

In my passed relationships, and especially in my marriage, I've seen the two components of a relationship more as a single "unit." I would consider the other person when grocery shopping, making plans with others, and deciding on the next city to live in, among other things. So, I know it's going to be like that. But I'm also a different person now. I've been without an alcoholic drink for twenty-seven months next week, so hopefully, I'm less selfish. I can only imagine that a relationship without my drinking would have to be infinitely better than relationships with. I've also done a lot of growing up in the passed two years. Desires to go out all the time because I was afraid I was going to miss something social have become far fewer. And socializing has become a much more productive activity. Now, I like to attend functions rather than see what's going on in the back-room of a dingy club. I guess I've gotten more than a few things out of my system.

Anyway, the real story lies in the activities of this passed weekend. M had been spending the week in Quitman, GA, which is just west of Valdosta, and about eight miles north of the Florida border. He was making some extra cash at his friends' antique store, and he asked me to visit for the weekend. I got off to a late start on Saturday, but I had just bought new tires in preparation, so I was speeding along I-75 at warp speed. I met them at a Mardi-Gras party at this tiny Cajun bar/restaurant in the middle of nowhere a mile north of Florida. The people were very sweet, however, we refrained from any public displays of affection. We smoked, ate, and drank (diet Coke for me), and then we went to this place called, Rascals. For as long as I live, I'll never forget Rascals. The only way I can describe it accurately is it was like a modern-day skinhead party with more hair, less hate, and no gowns. Fortunately, we were travelling in a large group, so we were pretty safe among the white, Baptist, illiterate republicans. As I watched them dance to music I didn't know, I realized that all they had to do was meet us, and they'd be cool with us. They weren't hateful people; they knew what they knew because that's all they know! It was an eye-opening experience.

From there, we went to Charley O's, which was an old, Irish pub with a good band, and a more progressive crowd. They had a couple of hot bartenders who served as very nice eye-candy. We chilled there for a bit, but M & I were getting a little anxious for some "alone time." We took M's friend's house key and headed home. That night, for lack of a better term, M sealed the deal with me. I was ready for a relationship.

The next morning, M's friends took us to this very inexpensive soul food type restaurant. The food was amazing! I had heard of really excellent Southern cooking, and I think this was my first experience of exceptional Southern cooking. We ate like pigs, and then went home and napped. We awoke in a panic when we realized that we were not going to make it back to Atlanta by the beginning of the Oscars. But by that time, nothing else mattered. I wanted M to be my first boyfriend in two years, and in sobriety.

We had separate cars, so we followed each other on the way home. I made sure he knew that we'd stop at least once for coffee. He's well aware, by this time, of my addiction to coffee. But we also stopped to eat at a Hardee's, and as we both got out of our cars, I told him I was ready, and that I wanted him to be my boyfriend. We kissed in the parking lot, not caring about who might see. We then ate our hamburgers and fries with new-found excitement. When we got home, we watched the remainder of the Oscars, and I cried when Sean Penn won for "best actor" for Milk. What a great weekend!

The next few weeks will be interesting to say the least. M has decided to do some vegan cleansing ritual for the next 21 days. He can't smoke or drink, so I told him I might give him some room this week. I've learned from passed experience that a boyfriend without cigarettes is a complete bitch, so until we get together again, I'll be on this side of Atlanta, and M can stay on THAT side!

There's Nothing Like the Present

2009-01-08T21:09:00.005-05:00

It's 2009, and I'm SOOOO living in the present right now. I knew the new year would be better than the last, but I totally didn't think things would improve as quickly as they have! I can barely keep up, actually!

A couple of weeks ago, I was planning on moving to a new, one-bedroom apartment in the same apartment complex I'd lived in for almost two years, the Aventine on Sidney Marcus in Buckhead. But at the very last minute, like on December 30th, my good friend Jeffrey invited me to move into his huge, beautiful townhouse off Buford Highway. It all happened within the blink of an eye: I got back my rent check from the Aventine for January, and moved into Jeffrey's. Business hasn't been great for anyone lately, and Jeffrey decided that renting out the guest bedroom would help him out.

So, for the first time in over two years, I walked into the liquor store at Ansley Mall. Nothing had changed, and all the vodkas were still in the same place. Before you freak out, I wasn't buying it for myself. In fact, I bought it and some pizza as incentives for my friends to help me move. I hate to move, and I couldn't do it alone. After I threw out half of my worldly belongings and gave the other half away to a young college student moving into the same complex, I moved into Sterling Oaks, a gated community just north of North Druid Hills. It's perfect. I'm so happy!

Pumba & Simba now have a new friend! His name is Max, and he's Jeffrey's dog. I don't know much about dogs, so I don't know what type of dog he is, but he's a tiny, fluffy lap-dog. He's very cute, and he doesn't know what cats are. The three of them are taking their time adjusting to each other, but no violence has broken out, and they pretty much just examine each other from afar. It's interesting to watch them as they try to figure things out. My kitties have already grown accustomed to their new home, and they seem to be quite happy. I was a little apprehensive at first, but things are turning out okay.

Aside from my new residence, other aspects of my life are improving as well. One of my best friends, Jay, left the gym, so we needed to fill in some hours. So, I picked up some extra hours despite my fear of working too much. It's an irrational fear, and I need the money! My new part-time gig with Will, the event-designer is good! It's flexible, and because it's mostly organizational work, I find it to be quite easy.

My two hot real estate leads cooled to warm, at best. But my investor-client purchased not one, but TWO properties this week. They were both cash deals, so we closed both very quickly. That commission comes in quite handy as I try to improve my financial status. Things have gotten to be pretty tough for people, and we really need to make money however we can (honestly, of course). A very close friend of mine just got the word that his position will be eliminated soon, so I just sent out an email to friends who might know of anyone looking for an accountant. I'm sure he won't be the only friend I know who is facing a lay-off.

So, for now, things are good in my life, however, I'll try to look out for my friends as best as I can. I've been listening to Oprah's radio channel 156 on XM a lot lately, and it's inspired me to "live my best life" by living a more spiritual life. And that includes taking care of myself and my family & friends. It's very AA; I highly recommend it to everyone.

Take care, and have a fabulous 2009!

My Ethnicity versus My Hometown

2008-12-10T16:51:00.003-05:00

Several nights ago, my friend, Julio & I were at Blake's. We were having a particularly good time considering the fact that it was a Monday night in December, and very few people were out. It was also fairly late when we got there, but the DJ started playing some older stuff after he played his requisite Rhianna, Britney, Madonna, etc. The crowd got really into it, and Julio, being the avid dancer he is, pulled me into the "dance area" of the bar. We danced to Donna Summer, Michael Jackson, and C+C Music Factory, among others.

Julio was being flirty, as usual, so we met some people we hadn't previously met. One was particularly interested in Julio, so Julio gave him his number. Afterwards, Julio moved onto the next guy, an older gentleman who happened to be a very good dancer. I say older, but he was probably my age. As they chatted over by the bar, I sat at one of the hightops next to the windows. Guy #1 came over to me and introduced himself to me. He wore a baseball cap and was probably in his mid-20s. Without a second to waste, he asked me, "Where are you from?"

"New York," I answered.

"Duh," he said.

"What?"

"Beyond that," he said.

"Are you asking me what my ethnicity is?" I asked.

"Ummm, yeah," he answered.

"Well, where I'm from and my ethnicity are two different things," I reasoned with him, who was visibly intoxicated. "My Mom is from El Salvador, and my Dad is American of Irish and Welsh descent."

I don't know why I chose a drunk, country boy in Atlanta to correct, but I guess I was a little frustrated with this simple, yet slightly offensive concept.

Almost every day, a person wants to ask me "What are you?" And, unfortunately, here in Georgia, fewer than most people know how to ask. I'm very used to the inquiry, which I get almost every single time I meet a new person, but after having lived in Atlanta for three years, I guess I want people to ask me with some discretion instead of blurting something out that says to me, "You are different, and we don't see folks like you around much."

I was born in Greenwich, Connecticut, where I went to high school, but I grew up in Port Chester, New York. After high school, I moved to Boston to go to college. I'm very proud of my ethnic heritage, and I've been to El Salvador and Ireland, both more than once. They're both beautiful countries, and I want to explore them further. However, I've never lived in any other country other than the United States. So, when a person asks me where I'm from, my first assumption is to answer the question with the proper answer. I don't see why I have to assume that the person asking is more interested in where my parents, grandparents, and ancestors are from.

I didn't get upset with drunkie at the bar, but I did correct a person for the first time, and I don't think I was wrong to. In Boston, where I lived for eleven years prior to my move to Atlanta, people were just as curious to know what my ethnicity is, but they asked with discretion. Here, people don't realize that when they ask one thing, and mean something else, they are pointing out the fact that I look different than they do, and that I'm the one who's different. It's crass and ignorant, but it isn't ill-intentioned. So, what am I to do?

I just want to put this out there so that people will think about this a little differently. The United States is made up of all different kinds of people, and we all need to exercise a little sensitivity when we want to ask about each other's differences. We should really stop thinking that there is more of one type of person than another, or that this demographic is smaller than that one. Let's embrace diversity! Let's instead complement each other on our exotic looks and forget about our parents. We're all individuals and we should be proud of heritage, but the here-and-now is what is most important, so let's assume we're all Americans, and let's talk about sex instead!

Two Years Without Alcohol . . .

2008-12-04T20:23:00.004-05:00

. . . and I don't miss it at all!

Today is a truly awesome day. It feels like just another day, except people in all aspects of my life are congratulating me, mostly in person and via text messages. The Program Director of Purple Treatment called me a "Miracle" today. That blew me away! But I guess it is a miracle. I went from being completely dependent upon alcohol to check my email, go grocery shopping, to simply meet with another human being; to knowing and understanding the truth: that I don't need alcohol for anything. And that, in fact, I am a pretty cool guy who should be secure and confident. When I drank, I feared life. Without it, I relish life.

I woke up today with some negativity swirling around in my head. I realized it was my AA Birthday, and I knew I had to promptly get out of bed and seize the day to fully appreciate and celebrate the occasion. I also had a busy day scheduled. I devoted the morning to Mark's home search, so I got ready, ate breakfast at Waffle House, and waited for him to pick me up. We saw one listing Mark liked out of the several, but we had to be back around noon so that he could get to work on time.

I picked up my car at my mechanic's and drove home. I had been without my car for almost two weeks, and because of the cold weather and Atlanta's incompetent transit system, MARTA, I was ready to pull my newly grown long hair out. I was so happy to get my car back! It was like receiving a present for my birthday! I went home, and had a long lunch with Pumba & Simba. I had to be at the gym at 3, and because I forgot how quickly it is to get around with a car, I got there early, just in time to get a free manicure from Helmet's new Nail Technician, CJ. She's a very sweet woman who is an expert with nails, in fact, she finds it relaxing to do nails.

In recent months, I've become more carefree with my alcoholic status. So, my co-workers and many gym members were congratulating me. Meanwhile, friends & family in Chicago, Boston, San Diego, and Connecticut were texting me their well-wishes. My boss & best friend, Jay, bought me dinner tonight from one of my favorite restaurants in the ATL, Top Spice. Another best friend, Mo, suggested that we have a Chocolate Party to celebrate this weekend. What a cool idea!

I'm happy. I'm really happy. My life is really coming together nicely. I'm moving into my own apartment at the end of the month because my roommate's parents came to Atlanta from Houston to get him, and I'm finally making money! I started a second part-time job as the assistant to a very busy, large-scale event planner to supplement my income, and I love it! In fact, I've been so busy this week, that I haven't worked this much since I worked at Joe's on Juniper last Spring. Some days, I start with real estate at 9 a.m., and finish with the gym at 11 p.m., and I'm happy to be busy. If I have time on my hands to do nothing, negative thoughts permeate my brain, and things become unpleasant and uncomfortable. I also have control over my own schedule, which is a wonderful, yet dangerous thing. Discipline is more important than ever, if I am to continue to prosper.

I've learned so much in the passed two years, that it is just amazing. In fact, two years ago, I was still very much a kid, a young adult. In these two years, I've been tested, I've made mistakes, and I've learned. And no matter what, I didn't drink. :-)

What A Fabulous Thanksgiving!

2008-11-28T02:21:00.004-05:00

It's very early in the morning, and I'm just reflecting on the Thanksgiving I had. I got home about an hour ago, but I'm gonna start at twenty-four hours ago.

Julio & I were out at Blake's last night, & we were pretty bored. We were at Jay's bar chatting with him, but the rest of the crowd weren't doing enough for us, so we decided to head to Heretic. I'd heard that the night before Thanksgiving was the club's busiest night of the year. And I traditionally go out the night before holidays because it's what the gay community has done for years in the Big Apple & Beantown. Julio was driving, & I was texting Jeremy. I had seen him the night before, & he mentioned that he was thinking Heretic, too.

We got to the club & ran into several guys from the gym, so we made our rounds & noticed that the club wasn't enforcing the dress code, which was a little disappointing. Normally on Wednesday nights, one must remove his shirt or be dressed in leather/fetishwear to get into the dance area. We were hanging out with Mark, Allen, Eddie, & Trey when Jeremy walked in. Julio & Trey had claimed to have never met my Ex, but when Jeremy joined us, they knew him. So, I was like, "How do you guys all know each other?" I had forgotten that Jeremy was a member of Gravity Fitness for a brief month before he joined a fitness activity that only included a "cowbell" for the low, low price of $80/mo. He never was the expert decision-maker; and he still follows fads. By the way, he's a great person.

We danced all night & worked up an appetite, so Julio & I went to Waffle House at 3 a.m., which we love to do because we're morning people. It was freezing inside, as usual, so I kept my coat on. As we decided on which type of grease we were in the mood for, we watched & listened to the boisterous table of drag queens who insisted upon entertaining the whole restaurant. They were funny, at first, but they were so over-the-top melodramatic & drunk that they quickly became annoying. A tension developed, & one of the servers started to become annoyed and said something to them. A drag queen called her a dyke, & the fun was over.

No less than seven cop cars showed up, & a cop ushered the drag queens out. We finished our food as I told Julio that after going through the fiasco of just one DUI in my life, I would never argue with a cop who could easily arrest me as the drag queens were doing. Julio dropped me off at home at 4:30 a.m., and I went to bed that Thanksgiving morning very thankful to be going to bed in my own bed with my kitties snuggled up with me.

--

I wanted to sleep in & catch up on my rest, so I didn't get out of bed until well into the afternoon, and I didn't even feel bad about it! I made some coffee, heated up some leftovers, & fed Pumba & Simba tuna fish especially for Thanksgiving Day. Since it was late in the day, I had already received a bunch of well-wishing texts, which is a new Thanksgiving phenomenon. So, I plugged my cell phone into my laptop & responded. I also sent out a mass text to those I hadn't yet heard from. As I drank coffee & waited for all the messages to be sent, I spoke to my parents & Seamus in New York. It was so good to hear from them! I decided that I must go home for Christmas.

Since it was a holiday that I was not spending with my family, I wanted to spend time with others in recovery. I called Rand, & he was kind enough to offer to pick me up for the 8 p.m. Rooms to Grow meeting at the Galano Club. I've been without personal transportation since Monday when my car broke down. It needs a new starter which I think I'll be able to get tomorrow. Rand was Discussion Leader at the meeting, & because it was Thanksgiving, he appropriately chose Gratitude as the topic. Everyone shared wonderful things they were grateful for, & I pondered my own sobriety & the friends & family I'm grateful for. Next week, God-willing, I'll be picking up a chip for living without alcohol for two years. It's a really wonderful thing.

After the meeting, Brian, Rand, & I decided to see the movie, Milk, which was an amazing & important movie all gay people should see. It follows the historic political career of Harvey Milk in San Francisco in the '70s. Wow! What an inspiring story! The three of us went to Blake's after, and I told people that the movie has inspired me to run for office, specifically, mayor of Atlanta! My first night of campaigning went quite well. The several people I asked to vote for me said they absolutely will, so I'm off to a good start!

Tomorrow's gonna be a busy one, so I'm off to bed. What a fabulous Thanksgiving!

An Exploratory Phase

2008-09-30T21:47:00.005-04:00

I met someone recently. I'm not going to divulge much, mainly to protect his privacy; but I do wish I could write everything down! I also must be very sensitive about which details I mention because others don't quite see him the way I do. I'm not the type to listen to others much for relationship advice, however, I did ask for opinions, and I got opinions I didn't quite want to hear. Anyway, I appreciate the fact that my friends think highly of me, and I understand that they are hoping I'll wait for someone perfect to come along; but I see a lot of goodness in this person, and I want to explore a bit further.

I felt a little insecure at first because of our substantial age difference. That went away today. I offered to take him to the DMV this morning so that he turn in his Florida license, get a Georgia one, and register to vote all at once. I had some things I had to do today, but I got up really early (very unlike me), and I wanted to spend time with him. Not to mention, this upcoming election is extremely important, because of how it relates to me, of course. If the republicans happen to win again, I'm moving to a resort town in Mexico, probably Puerto Vallarta, because of how gay it is. Once I'm confident about my Spanish, I'll move to Spain to marry a beautiful man
and live happily ever after, and the United States can suffer at the hands of the oppressors!

Okay, back from my tangent! Before we went to the DMV, we stopped for a bite at Flying Biscuit, and I felt as though the age difference only matters if I let it. It's actually extremely refreshing to spend time with someone younger, and I certainly don't have to act my age around him! It's kind of like an escape. I'm also learning a lot about video games and music; and I certainly don't think it's a waste of time because there is so much going on today that I can't keep track of that is really shaping our future. If I didn't have such experiences, I'd grow up to be an ignorant old geezer who can't work any new gadgets. That would be a nightmare! I must keep with the times!

After the DMV, we went to the FMLS office in Sandy Springs because I needed to activate a couple of lockboxes on my account that I bought from eBay. He's so laid back as young people are, that he was happy to accompany me. I thought we should do something fun after that, so we stopped in at the costume shop next to Gravity Fitness to get ideas for Halloween, which is in only one month. He's an extremely gifted artist, and he brought along a sketch of a woodland nymph he wanted to be. I've seen some of his work, and the sketch was very detailed, like his other drawings. We tried on several things, and we had a really fun time figuring out what we might dress up as. I don't always enjoy the whole Halloween production because, in the past, I've felt that the holiday overshadows my birthday, which is the day before. But this year, I'll go with the flow and embrace Halloween by having a masquerade birthday party, which Ernesto is going to plan, possibly with the help of Sparkles.

I guess that's what I'm doing with Nymph, just going with the flow. I don't know what to expect, and I'm not even sure what I want. I've been happily single for many months, but the passed couple of weeks have been fun, and I've enjoyed getting to know him. In the past, I've needed to be in control of every situation, so it's new and different to have a more passive attitude. It's nice! It's cool! It's also really wonderful to not be with someone who's trying to control me!! Wow! He doesn't mind what I do with my time, and he respects my privacy. This is still very early on, and expectations are low, so things may progress. I don't know. Regardless of what happens, I'm going to have fun exploring!

A Very Worthy Cause

2008-09-17T16:45:00.005-04:00

Labor Day Weekend is over, and I'm about to head back to Atlanta. I spent the weekend with my family in New York, and the highlight was meeting and spending time with my new niece, Nicole Sofie Malin. She was born on July 15th to my brother, Bill, and his wife, Margot. Nicole is really beautiful; she has naturally tanned skin thanks to her Latin influences from both parents, dark brown hair and eyes, chubby cheeks from her Mom, and a prominent forehead from her Dad. I held her and fed her several times over the weekend, and it seemed to me that maybe taking care of a baby would be pretty simple. But before I start making assumptions and plans to adopt a small bundle of my own, I remember that I'm not home with her at night, and that my life allows me the freedom to spontaneously hang out with friends when I want or take a weekend trip somewhere. The thought reminds me to be grateful for my self-cleaning kitties at home who require no special attention, but who provide me with plenty of unconditional love, nonetheless.

The other reason for my visit was to attend the wedding of a childhood friend and neighbor. I grew up in Port Chester, New York, next door to a Filipino family. The two kids, Geralynn and Joe were very close to the ages of my brothers and me, so the five of us would play together and grow up alongside each other. While I lived in Boston during and after college, Geralynn and Joe also lived there, and I'd randomly run into one of them out at a club occassionally. Geralynn returned to Port Chester a couple of years ago to save money and figure out where in the US she wants to live next. She's a successful pharmacist, and can move anywhere she wants after her parents retire in Las Vegas next year. On my last day in New York, she and I had lunch together, and I asked her to take a weekend trip to Atlanta so that I can show her around for her consideration. It would be nice to have another Northern friend close-by.

Joe also left Boston and moved to Norwalk, Connecticut, with his then-fiance. So, this passed weekend, the two tied the knot at a Catholic Church (shudder) in Norwalk, and then had their reception at the famous Surf Club in New Rochelle, New York. It was an awesome wedding! The food was fabulous, and the guests were a wonderful mix of Filipino, American, and Latino (the bride is from Central or South America; I can't remember which country). But the best part of the reception was Venetian Hour, which was an extravagant montage of desserts, including everything from apple streudle to chocolate fountains to chocolate chip cookies to cigars! And what party would not be complete without some good old-fashioned, Malin-family drama! My little brother, Jim, brought his ex-girlfriend, Paula, who the rest of the family doesn't think much of. So, at my table was Bill and Margot to my left, and my Dad, Jim, and Paula to my right. Billy and Paula are both seasoned drinkers, and they commenced their talent immediately. Occassionally, Paula would return to the table with no less than two drinks at a time! And every time Margot and I would wonder where Billy was, we would turn to one of the bars and spot him. It was so funny! And we thought it was only a matter of time before Billy and Paula got into a fight. Much to our dismay, there was no confrontation, however, both of them left the reception quite intoxicated.

Instead of returning to Atlanta on Monday, I stayed a few extra days to spend time with my parents and brothers, and to hang out in Manhattan. I visited a couple of friends in the city, but I didn't go out to any gay nightlife venues on this trip. I was fine with that, and I had a great time just kind of relaxing.

--

I returned to Atlanta on Wednesday night thinking about the up-coming weekend. Saturday night would be the famed Atlanta Cotillion, which is an annual fund-raiser for AIDAtlanta, a non-profit organization who helps people with HIV and AIDS. While I was in New York, my friend, Jeffrey, called me asking me to help with the event. I had already wanted to go, but I didn't think I could afford the $150 ticket, so this opportunity to volunteer could not have happened to a more willing person.

The Cotillion has been going on for years, and last year, my former husband, Jeremy, was a debutante. The "debs" raise money for four months prior to the event, and the drag queen who raises the most wins, and is crowned queen of the Cotillion. The debs have pool parties and other fun fund-raising events throughout the summer leading up to the Cotillion. I've known several passed-debutantes, even a few winners, but I've never had the chance to go until this year.

I decided that although I'd be "working" at the event, I still wanted to look appropriate for the black-tie event. However, I was asked to help at the last minute, and when I went to rent a tux, it was too late. I went to Men's Wearhouse to check out their tuxedos for purchase, and I ended up getting a great deal on one. So, I blow-dried my hair (which I'm currently growing out), got all decked-out, and headed to the function.

Those with decision-making power decided that this year's event would be a masquerade. So, during a break from my shift at the gym, I walked into the costume shop next to Gravity Fitness on Faulkner Road and purchased a mask for myself with a flaming look to it, and one on a stick for my friend, Chris, who was going in drag. Chris is a very tall man, so when he does drag, he's quite an immense woman. My new friend, Julio, who works at Helmet (inside Gravity Fitness) was also asked to serve a purpose for the event. My friend, Jeffrey (famous for the character, Jeffrey Blooms on tv's Who's Wedding Is It? created a Marie Antoinette look for Julio. But Jeffrey took the costume a bit further with his creativity by hollowing out a round table for Julio to be in the middle of. The costume went over both of them, and that allowed the table to serve as a dress that served drinks. Julio was a "living table." Very cool!

My friend, Patrick and I were asked to help out by wearing head-set microphones so that we could be the communication between back-stage and the sound area out among the dinner tables. It was all very interesting and fun; in fact, it didn't feel like work at all! The show itself consisted of my friend, Jeffrey as Mistress of Ceremonies (in a gorgeous, silver-screen ball gown), and debutantes and queens of passed years. The importance of AIDAtlanta's mission was a theme throughout the night, and I became slightly emotional as they spoke of how much good the Cotillion does for people living with HIV. Because of AIDAtlanta, people who would otherwise be inelligible for medical care get the help they need to continue their lives as normal human beings. People are treated with respect and dignity at AIDAtlanta, and living with HIV no longer has to be a nightmare. So, when they announced that this year's debutantes raised over $104,000, tears formed in my eyes, and I felt as though I was a part of something so much bigger than me, and it was something very, very good.

The winning debutante raised by herself over $27,000, so they passed her the crown, and she did her little runway walk. The whole show seemed to move along very quickly, and before I knew it, it was after eleven, and people were waiting to get their cars from valet. A gentleman teetering next to me told the valet that he was too drunk to drive, and that he just needed his keys. I thanked God that moment that I was sober, and that my night was just beginning! The after-party was taking place at WETbar, of course, so Chris, Julio, & I piled into the Rodeo, and headed off.

The Cotillion people were the night's VIPs at the club, so we walked in ahead of a line of people waiting outside and all the way around the corner. I caught a glimpse of Seth & Nathan, along with their own coterie, waiting in the long line. We walked into a club full of drag queens, handsome tuxedo-ed men, and club kids, all mixing and conversing as though it were any other night at the world-famous WET. I tried to greet as many people as I could, and then I hung out with Seth & Nathan for a bit to catch up. They recently got married in Piedmont Park at a wedding ceremony that was one of the most beautiful I've been to.

At around a quarter to two, we decided to take our mobile party to Blake's. Chris, Julio, and I were the only Cotillion people there, so the drunks at Blake's were quite taken by our lavish outfits. We did a "fruit loop" and then had our pictures taken by the photographers who frequent the bar. Unfortunately, Julio had to call it a night because of work the following morning, so we said "Goodbye" to him. But Chris and I were far from done. We're both alcoholics in recovery, so we can go all night, if need be! Jeffrey told us of a hot-tub party that was going on off Cheshire Bridge Road, so we headed in that direction. As we arrived, we noticed that nothing naughty was going on in the hot tub, so we quickly left. Just kidding!! The guys lent us a couple of swimsuits (mine was a little, skimpy number), and we joined them in the hot tub for some innocent chat. After a bit, we decided we were hungry, so Chris and I ended our night at, where else?? Waffle House. Nothing's better at six in the morning. What a wonderful night!

I awoke the next afternoon, not hung-over, but refreshed and so very happy that I was a very tiny part of a really huge, and wonderful thing. And all the attention I got in my new tux wasn't so bad either. :D

Small Gay World

2008-07-31T21:04:00.005-04:00

It's the last day of July, and as I get ready to close the gym tonight, I think about how this month has been a little bazaar. It's really been a month of ups & downs; I've had some setbacks, but I've also had some interesting learning experiences. As you may have read in my last post, depression had become a concern, but I can say with a fair level of confidence, that it is manageable now, and I look to the future with much optimism. My work as a REALTOR (r) has increased to the point that I'm excited to be an agent, to be showing homes, and to be approaching a closing. I'm also scheduled to be flying to New York for Labor Day Weekend to see my family, including the newest member, my niece, Nicole; and to attend the wedding of a childhood friend. Having a trip to look forward to is just one more good reason to get up in the morning each day and to get motivated to do something productive! My part-time job at the gym keeps me sane, and on some type of a regular schedule. It's also a lot of fun to work with my friend, Jay, and to chat with the gay gym-rats who come here.

July has been a challenging month for my confidence. I've made many big decisions in recovery, but in this passed month, I've come to question how well I've thought about things before making my decisions. I think I've actually come to regret the decision to live with my roommate, Adam, who now claims to have a pretty intense problem living with me. I knew after I returned to the real world in April of 2007 that living with Adam would be a challenge, and the people who I owe my sobriety to told me not to live with him. Anyway, we haven't wanted to live with each other for a while, but we're in a lease, and my plan to live with my friend, Chris, wouldn't happen until December. So, in my mind, nothing was going to change until then. But a week ago, Adam emailed me saying my behavior was a threat to his sobriety, and that he would have to move out by the end of the month, leaving me with a place to pay for and no roommate. To be mild, I was livid. I was so insulted, hurt, and baffled, especially since, he had no home when he was asked to leave rehab, except to live with me. I returned his email with one of a scathing nature that described my frustrations with living with him. My friend & sponsor, and possibly future-roommate, Chris, made me a "roommate-needed" flyer of an extremely professional design, and we put them up at the Galano Club (Gay Alcoholics Anonymous), so that I can find a sober roommate. Oh, and I told Adam he wasn't going anywhere until September.

I was really pissed off, needless to say, but I noticed how I was asking for help, and that the people who care about me, helped. They helped me see that this wasn't as bad as my alcoholic mind was making it out to be. Unfortunately, I isolated a bit, which is not healthy for an alcoholic in recovery, but I also went to meetings, and I went out with my Earth friends, Mo and Sparkles. They're always a hoot, and I like to go out. They're actually pictured in my default MySpace photo right now in case you think you know them. Between Trivia at Joe's on Juniper and Blake's, they know everyone! So, it wasn't the end of the world, and how could I stay upset when Joining Hearts 21 was in just a couple of days!

Every year, for the past twenty years, gay Atlanta gets together to party and raise money for two charity organizations, AID Atlanta and Jerusalem House, and 100% of the cover, tips, everything, goes to the charities. And the party is called Joining Hearts. I went two years ago in the good old days of drinking when they held it at the Piedmont Park pool, and I thought it was the greatest party I had been to in Atlanta. Well..........this year was off the chain! I had heard from a boy who comes to the gym and is also involved with the organization of the party that this was going to be a huge party, and that it was going to be held at the Civic Center, which was where a not-so-exciting Gay Pride Festival was held only a few weeks ago. (Remember?) Well, despite the failure of the Pride Committee, Joining Hearts 21 was a huge success! My expectations were low, so when I arrived to see a "circuit-esque" set-up, complete with a canopy-dance area, a full-on light show, and DJ Roland Belmares at the turn-tables.

Earlier in the week, I was out at the Heretic for the mid-week shirtless party they have on Wednesday nights. I was having a bad week with things that were going on, and I needed to go out and dance. and I met this older guy who kept telling me I was gorgeous. He wanted to buy me drinks, so I let him buy me a Red Bull, and later a diet Coke (which I drink way too much of, since I don't drink alcohol anymore). He was fifty-two, but he looked forty, and he was interesting, so when he asked me out to dinner, I accepted. Later that night, I was with a few friends who wanted to stop by the apartment of someone I didn't know. When we arrived, I met a very attractive thirty-four year-old, somewhat femme hottie! He asked me out on a date, and I was very interested, so I said, "Definitely!" But let me just clarify: I never get asked out twice in the same night.

During this same week, a friend I met when I first moved to Atlanta two & a half years ago, Shawn, called me to buy a home in Kennesaw. I was excited to go house-hunting with him the Saturday of Joining Hearts. He decided on one, and instructed me to write up an offer. I was ecstatic with his decision, and when we were done, I went home to change for the party & to celebrate my up-coming closing! As I drove back from Kennesaw, I spoke to Mike (the femme hottie) on the phone. He said his EX was with him, and that he knew me, too. He had met me at the Heretic on Wednesday night! So, once the two of them (who had dated for almost ten years!) got over the fact that they asked out the same boy on the same night, the three of us decided to go to Joining Hearts together! How crazy! My friend, Seth, who I've known for a decade since we met in Boston, was supposed to accompany me to the party, but then had to go to a birthday party instead.

I noticed earlier in the week that Mike drank a fair amount of alcohol, but I didn't think much of it. I just assume that everyone other than myself (aside from the other alcoholics I know) is a normal drinker. But then the three of us got to Joining Hearts, and Mike disappeared after only a few minutes. Joe (the other EX) & I danced almost the whole night, and had a great time; but Mike never returned. Before he disappeared, he asked a bartender to fill up his large plastic cup with a little ice & vodka, only. I thought to myself, "Wow! That's totally something I've done!" Joe & I talked about it for a bit, and I disclosed some of my story to him, and he said that he wanted Mike to go to rehab. Unfortunately, he is not ready yet, and if he's not ready, no one else can really help get him there. An alcoholic must live in pain & suffering until he/she reaches rock-bottom. Once he asks for help, there is so much that can be done, but not until then.

As Joe & I danced, I felt as though I were at the WinterParty in South Beach, or on an Atlantis vacation. The only reminder that I was in Atlanta was a familiar face here and there, and the illuminated skyline as the sun set into beautiful pinks & purples. I knew I wasn't going to be interested in dating Joe, but I thought we would make fabulous friends. He knew more of the older crowd at the party, and I got to meet some distinguished people.

At about ten pm, a singer came out on stage with three drag queens who had been dancing with the crowd. One of the drag queens was my ex-husband, Jeremy. He and the other two girls were in matching outfits with these arrangements on their heads. I waved to Jeremy from the dance floor; he looked like he was having a great time. Abigail, the young singer of maybe twenty-five, was very attractive, with long straight, brown hair, and a very fit body. She started her performance with one of my all-time favorite songs, and the theme song to my Senior Prom, back in Greenwich, Connecticut: Forever Young, by Alphaville. Abigail's rendition was a dance/club version, that really got the crowd going. She followed it with a couple of circuit anthems, and then was finished. As Jeremy walked off the stage following his back-up performance, I said , "Hello," and I told him he did a great job. He said he was having a great time. The party thinned-out, but Joe wanted to stay until the very end because he was anticipating some fireworks, which they customarily have. We waited, but there were no fireworks. We finished up the night at Joe's Versace-like mansion in Buckhead with some friends, where I also got to meet a TV celebrity whose studio happens to be adjacent to my gym. Small gay world.

I love parties, I love to dance, and I love to hang out and socialize. And I think I always will. If I can keep doing those things, I don't need alcohol. People ask me how I do it, but I now know that I never needed to drink; once I learned some humility and became comfortable in my own skin, I became outgoing, I became flirty, I was funny. I never needed it, and I never had a craving at Joining Hearts or at the second party at Opera on Sunday night, which Joe & I went to as well. That party was a toned-down version of Joining Hearts with the proceeds going to the same charities. I got to meet DJ David Knapp, and he made it a point to remember my name! Very sweet guy. He asked if Joe & I were a couple, and I practically yelled, "No, David, I'm single!"

Health & Gaydar in Disrepair!

2008-07-17T20:57:00.004-04:00

Just a warning, this might be a long one. Not sure yet!

We last left off at the end of June, just before I got sick. Have you ever had strep throat? If not, DON'T EVER GET IT! And for those of you who have, you know all about the complete Hell I endured for about a week. Not to mention the accompanying depression, which was completely unforseen! Anyway, I was out with Edward & Sparkles at Blake's on Saturday evening before Pride weekend, and I felt as though the headache and body aches I was starting to feel were getting worse. I went home, planning on having some Tylenol, and going back out, but I ended up lying on my sofa, and then going to bed at midnight! Yes, for me, going to bed before midnight rarely happens, especially on a Saturday night! OMG! I slept for seventeen hours, until 5:00 pm the next day, and I felt like a sickness had come over me and had infiltrated every region of my body. My throat was in extreme pain, and eating was next to impossible. Each part of my body ached, and moving around the apartment was a chore. Even though I felt the way I did, I thought it would go away, because I don't really get sick. But on Tuesday, I had to call in sick to the gym, and Jay, my friend & boss, wasn't happy with me. He suggested going to the doctor (which I wouldn't have done, except he mentioned it), so I called my new Atlanta doctor, and I went in that afternoon.

I thought about asking someone to drive me, but I thought I would have a tough time finding someone during the day on a Tuesday, so I told myself that I had to drive, and that everything would be okay. So, I got in my car, said the Serenity Prayer a few times, and drove, like an old man, all the way to the doctor's office. He gave me antibiotics, told me to shovel ibuprofen into myself every few hours (because I also had a high fever), and said I'd be better by the weekend. He's gay, and he knew what weekend it was. ;-)

As I slowly improved, depression set in, and with all the channels cable has to offer, I ran out of TV to watch. Things like laundry, I knew I could do even though I was sick, but I had no motivation to do anything around my apartment. I barely even went online, and there's nothing easier than that. I checked my MySpace probably a couple of times in that whole week. I knew that if I picked up the Big Book or something inspirational to read, I'd feel better. But depression affects me in a way that it controls my thoughts by keeping me from doing the things that will make me feel better, and thus I stay in an unhealthy mental state. I recently bought Congnitive Behavioral Therapy for Dummies because I've looked into it, and it seems to be the next step after recovery material, like the Big Book. It's very similar, and it makes sense to me. And the For Dummies book promises to make me my own therapist. I had plenty of time to read it, but I never opened it that week. Depression doesn't make sense. For those of you who've suffered from it, you know what I mean.

The most important project of the week was totally neglected by me. Atlanta's Gay Pride was only a couple of days away, and I was thinking at this point, that we wasted a lot of money reserving a booth for Abode Realty. I felt bad in every sense of the word. I kind of felt like a failure the terrible way I felt before I stopped drinking. Here I am living in sobriety, and I can't even handle putting together a booth for Pride. To my surprise, Roel, my broker, was working on it! But why? Isn't Roel straight?? Once it wasn't too painful to speak on the phone, I called Roel and learned that he and a gay friend were putting together a booth that would be real estate and these beautiful home decor pieces that Roel sells in one of his other businesses. But isn't he going to be afraid of all the gay people at the Civic Center?? No matter, I met up with him and Regan (gay male friend, hmmm) on Friday evening at the booth where we opened at 6 pm. I was a little drained, but able to eat and walk. I also was no longer contaigious.

It felt so good to be around people! I am a true believer that we all need each other, and although I was still a bit weak, I was so happy and excited to be around everyone. In fact, after we closed at 9 pm, I went out. I had to explain the those I encountered that I was no longer contaigious, and the kiss they just gave me wasn't a death sentence. It was fun, but I stayed for only a short time. The next day, I was back at the booth at the Civic Center, which, by the way, was a weird place for a Gay Pride Festival, because the festival took place in a parking lot. It wasn't half bad, though, because every so often, someone I knew would come say "Hi!"

At some point during the day, Roel & I were sitting together in the booth, and we started talking about personal things. Up to this point, he & I had a strictly professional relationship, as broker and agent. But at the festival, we had plenty of time to chat. I knew he knew I was gay because you'd have to be from Southern Georgia to not know. (For some reason, people from that region of the world can't tell I'm gay.) I'm pretty obviously gay, so I just assume that everyone knows. He asked me if I was dating anyone, and he asked me about passed relationships. I'm an open book when comes to such things, so I spoke openly about being single for a year-and-a-half, and about my failed marriage to my ex-husband, Jeremy. He then told me that he's been seeing his friend, Regan, someone who's been helping out in our office while we didn't have an administrative assistant. I knew Regan was gay, because he's like me; pretty obvious. But Roel is older and Phillipino, and I always assumed that he was straight, so when he told me this, I was like, "Oh My God!"

"What??" Roel asked.

"Oh my god!" I gasped again.

Roel, at this point was thinking I knew Regan on another level. "What's the matter?"

"I feel so silly now because I always thought you were straight!" I said.

"Me?? Oh puhleeeease!!"

Later, I went for a walk around the festival, and when I came back, Regan & Roel were laughing at me. I felt really silly, but I also still thought it was funny, and we all laughed for a while. So, from time-to-time, my gaydar isn't 100%, and that's fine, because I'm not perfect, and things stay interesting.

A Big, Gay Gym...and a Gay Beach

2008-06-27T17:23:00.005-04:00

Wow! It's been a minute since my last blog, so I'm going to cover quite a bit today. Having my life back after working at Joe's on Juniper has been enjoyable, but it also has brought back familiar challenges that I didn't have to deal with while working within the confines of a mandatory schedule. You see, I'm a disciplined person with plenty of room for improvement, and when I have a job where I'm treated like a number with a schedule I have to stick to, I tend to obey those restrictions. When I'm working for myself, and the only person who is holding me accountable is myself, I kind of behave like water outside of the container I should be confined to. I guess I've been fighting discipline and punctuality my whole life as a form of rebellion.

In the last year & a half, I've learned that happiness does not come with simply following my will wherever it leads me, but instead, taming my will by trying to do the next right thing actually allows for more peace and serenity in life. So, once I left Joe's I found myself with more free time than I had been used to since starting at the restaurant in February. Before I left, I got another part-time job at Gravity Fitness, working along side one of my recently-acquired best-friends, Jay, and I absolutely love working there! It's a far healthier atmosphere, with little or no stress, and a schedule that allows me to service the new listings and leads I've acquired since leaving Joe's. The real estate market is so unpredictable right now, but we've heard from dependable sources that we, as a nation in crisis, have hit bottom, and things will only go up from here. This is excellent and encouraging news for those of us who have been sticking it out in real estate with the hope of better times.

So, working at Gravity is a trip! People absolutely gravitate to Jay! I don't remember the last time I've seen someone as adored as he is throughout the gay community in Atlanta. It is a blessing to have him as a friend. He is a very sweet and funny person with a personality that attracts everyone. So, he is the assistant manager at the gym, and his ex, James, is the 38-year-old, hunky, laid-back, flashy owner of Gravity and WetBar. At first, I found James to be intimidating because of the bickering that goes on between the two. But now that I've been there for a bit, I enjoy James's quick, yet indifferent, wit.

The clients of the gym are 99% gay men. Need I say more? I don't know why I didn't think of this type of job before! I told Jay that I'd better be hit on at the gym or I'm quitting! I do have a thing for the men who are attentive to their physiques, but I'm also cautious of the same men because of their self-centeredness. I'll happily make compromises as those situations occur. I'm not sure if the clientele know what to think of me yet, but they're friendly, and that's really all I ask. Besides, what they think of me is none of my business; and I'm there to attend to their needs. So, it's a fun, easy job, where I can socialize while I make some extra much-needed cash, and get out of my own head.

Also, since I left Joe's, I had the opportunity to go away for a weekend with a bunch of sober friends. My friends, Eric and Rand, who attend meetings at Galano, were planning on spending a weekend on Kiawah Island, South Carolina. When they heard that I was no longer enslaved at Joe's, they invited me along. I, in turn, invited my friend Chris, who was celebrating his One-Year of Sobriety that weekend to come with us. Eric's friend, Brett, also in recovery and a server at Roxx, came as well. It was a low-key, relaxing weekend at Eric's family house in an exclusive complex along the ocean just south of Charleston. We also went in to Charleston for some delicious seafood, a tour of the historic city, and of course, the local gay bar. Chris and I argued all weekend about which one of us would succeed in sleeping with Eric, who is a 35-year-old, blonde, hunky, doctor; but we were both too chicken to make a move. I forgot to mention that we went to a gay meeting in Charleston on Saturday before our night on the town, and shares were not voluntary! I was called on after only two people shared, and my mind went blank. I forgot what the topic of the meeting was, so I said something about being grateful for gay meetings all over the country. I think maybe the older fellows liked me and wanted me to speak. I don't blame them. On Sunday, we decided to go Charleston's gay beach, which we knew wouldn't be like South Beach, but there were a handful of guys hanging around, and a few recognized us from the meeting the previous evening. We hung out with them under the overcast sky and made the best of our "gay beach" experience. It was great to hang out with the guys and escape Atlanta for a weekend. Now, of course, I want to travel more!

What's Left of Me?

2008-06-07T15:31:00.005-04:00

One thing I dislike more than many things is reading or listening to someone complain, and that is not the point of my blog, so I'm going to tell you about how my employment with Joe's on Juniper came to an end with the least whining possible. I guess it was just a matter of time, as it is in the restaurant industry. Working at Joe's is tough, and since we've enjoyed summertime weather for the passed several weeks, the restaurant has been very busy. When we're busy, it's not any one's intention to take advantage of the servers, but we have to work harder and longer hours. When I returned from New York after Memorial Day Weekend, my schedule at Joe's had drastically changed. I was scheduled to work back-to-back doubles all week, and at first I was upset to the point that I almost quit. I remembered that in recovery, I must live on "life's terms," not my terms, so I didn't share my disgust and accepted my schedule, and worked it. However, I told Mika, our manager who arranges the schedule that I would soon be cutting my hours back to focus more on real estate. The market has recently shown indication that better times are on the way; in fact, I acquired a new listing this passed week. I also told Mika that I would not be at their disposal for Gay Pride Weekend because I would be manning the Abode Realty booth the entire weekend. I worked almost sixty hours that week at Joe's, and did it again this passed week.

Change was on my mind when I decided to email my old sponsor who I stopped calling just after I started working at Joe's in February. If you know a thing or two about recovery, you know that I am supposed to call my sponsor on a regular basis, which I haven't done partially because of my overwhelming schedule. I emailed him to tell him that I'm doing well, and that I just celebrated a year and a half of sobriety on June 4th. He and his girlfriend have been very busy with their newborn baby girl, and I wanted to see how the new family was doing. The next day he called me, and it was so wonderful to hear his voice and to catch up with him. He is one of the biggest reasons why I have stayed sober for eighteen months without relapse, and I owe him a huge debt of gratitude. Fatherhood has been treating him well, and the baby actually sleeps completely through the night! What a blessing!

When I told him about my schedule, and how my AA meetings have become very infrequent, he showed much concern. I told him things were about to change, and my recovery would soon become the top priority it should always be, before work, before boys, before anything.

That night at Joe's, we were understaffed, and it was Crazy Bitch Bingo night, which is drawing quite a crowd, thanks to the antics of our very funny server, Bryen. Long story short, we were slammed and didn't have the support necessary, especially when one of our servers, completely overwhelmed, walked out on an entire section of the inside restaurant and quit. It really was a bit of a nightmare.

So, when I got home last night after 3 a.m., I emailed Mika a resignation letter explaining that I can't keep up with the demanding schedule. I honestly feel bad about it, but I know myself, and I knew I would be useless on only four hours of sleep per night. And I meant it when I wrote in my letter that it was a pleasure to work there. I've gained some really fun friends in the experience, and I will always have a respect and admiration for those in the service industry.

It's late afternoon, and I'm having some coffee. I just got off the phone with a very good friend who also happens to be an alcoholic. I just told him about how Joe's is no more, so plans were made for the 8 p.m. meeting at the Galano Club where we'll watch another friend pick up a chip to symbolize his multiple years without a drink, and then we'll all go out to dinner to celebrate. And who knows, maybe we'll head to WetBar for some after-dinner diet Cokes!

Wow! I suddenly have a life again!

Too little sleep & even less Coffee

2008-05-30T02:16:00.000-04:00

I'm flying back to Atlanta, and I feel like the weekend went by so quickly. I don't know if it's because I didn't do everything I wanted to do, like hang out with some old friends, or because so much happened in such a short time. Each hour seemed action-packed; in fact, I even sacrificed precious sleep time so as not to miss a moment.

My parents picked me up at the airport at 10 pm, and we made the ten-minute drive to the house I grew up in. Margot, my relatively new sister-in-law greeted me, and soon Billy & Seamus also joined us. We sat around the kitchen table that night and talked about Margot's pregnancy, my latest goings-on, crazy trouble my brothers' & I got into as kids, and what it's like to be as old as my parents, until three in the morning.

We all slept pretty late the next day, and once I was awake and feeling alive, I felt a bit trapped without a car. So, my mom & I went back to the airport and rented a Pontiac Grand Prix. I had one on a previous trip and decided that it had the pick-up I'd need if I decided to venture into the city and compete with the agressive and self-righteous driver's of Manhattan. With my new, rented freedom, I went to Greenwich Avenue, the Rodeo Drive of the Northeast, and did a little shopping.

On previous trips, I've given my brothers the opportunity to plan the evening outings, but because they are painfully indecisive and plans could take hours before fruition, I made plans to meet up with my friend, Michelle, at a bar in White Plains before heading solo into Manhattan for a circuit-like party at Webster Hall.

Billy & I met up with Michelle and her siblings at the Brazen Fox in White Plains where one of the sisters was celebrating her twenty-first. Michelle & I caught up on things we've been doing recently, and we told some stories about fun times in high school. Seamus ended up meeting us there almost an hour later. It was getting late, and Alegria was calling my name.

Every other month or so, thousands of shirtless, swirling & twirling gay men get together for a huge, all-night party called Alegria, which is Spanish for "joyfull." I've always wanted to go, but I had never been in New York when one was occurring, so I decided that tonight was going to be the night.

I stepped into Webster Hall, a huge and famous nightclub that is featured in the beginning clips of "To, Wong Fu," paid the seventy-dollar cover charge, and joined the party. I've been to many cities in the US, Canada, Mexico, & Europe, and aside from Barcelona, New York has always had the best-looking gay community. But on this night, all the Hotties must have been out of town in Fire Island or Provincetown, because the sea of shirtless men left much to be desired. I wasn't looking for Mr. Right or even for Mr. Right Now! but one does enjoy a grope by a Cutie every so often. No matter. I toured the huge, old building before I settled at a spot at the bar next to the dance floor to enjoy an energizing Red Bull on ice. World-class DJ Tony Moran was at the turntables, and I really started to feel the music, so I took my shirt off, finished my drink, and joined the throngs of men on the dance floor. For a minute, it amazed me how enjoyable the music was even though I was totally sober! It was a serene feeling.

Back at the bar, a drag queen was telling me how beautiful my eyes were. She was sweet and her friend was sorta cute, so we all danced together, and then met more guys on the dance floor. Somehow, over the course of several hours, Flavio, the boy in drag, and I realized we both worked in the Burlington Mall in Massachusetts at the same time several years ago. He used to "cruise" me by pretending to browse in my store. I was very flattered, and he was so happy to be partying with me. I was having a wonderful time, but when I looked at my watch at eight in the morning, I told my new friends I had to leave. I had a baby shower to be at in the afternoon.

I stepped out into the morning sun and walked to my car parked only a couple of blocks away. I felt as though I should have been "cracked out" and embarrassed to be in public, but I was sober. And New York is really stunning in the morning.

I woke up to objects being thrown at my old bedroom's window at about 2:30 in the afternoon. Seamus was trying to wake me up for the baby shower in the back yard that was already in full swing. I showered and did everything I could to not look sleep-deprived and joined the party. Mother made me some cheap coffee which I complained to her about, partially in jest. I love to give my parents a hard time, so as everyone was drinking alcohol, I mixed some juices together and told them I made a "drink" and took a sip. I'm such a bad son. My father immediately realized I was joking, but my mother's horrified look took a few seconds to turn into a relieved smile. :D

I had the opportunity to meet many of Margot's international group of friends at the party. Many of them know each other from their English (as a second language) studies. She & Billy opened their baby gifts to the applause of the guests while I got Mother drunk with cheap red wine (That's what she wanted to drink!) She's funnier when she's drunk, and since she drinks so sporadically, it doesn't take much. "You now need to drink for both of us!" I explained to her, as she bobbed her head in agreement.

The party was a success, and it was time to start thinking about the night's activities. Again, my brothers procrastinated, so at a quarter after eleven, I told them I was no longer waiting for their decision. I hopped into the Grand Prix, and headed back into the city.

HX Magazine recommends things to do in their column, "Homo Musts," which is where I read that the "Cock" in lower Manhattan was the place to be. I had never been, but I was trying to be fearless. I walked into the dark, sleazy bar and ordered a Red Bull. I looked around, and I was scared. It was a small, scary, ugly, hook-up bar with many older, unattractive men. The dancers who got up on the bar and a platform were also unattractive, but the one closest to me whipped it out for the patrons to examine. A younger, studious-looking blonde guy started talking to me. We chatted for a bit, and he told me he was fairly new to New York from Regina, Saskatchewan. He was very sweet as he hit on me, but I wasn't interested.

I decided it was time to check out Spash Bar, my old favorite. I walked in and was pleasantly suprised to see how busy it was. I had decided that Spash had gone downhill since, recently, it didn't have the same pull it did in the good old days. The bartenders were in hot, skimpy sailor garb, and the whole place had a naval theme. The music was great, but again, the crowd wasn't all that pretty. However, I did meet a beautiful Danish/Spanish guy who was easily the best looking guy in the club. We spoke for a while, and even flirted quite a bit. I ended up staying much later than I expected to because of this new development as we were very drawn to each other, but unfortunately, he was returning to Copenhagen in a couple of days. Just my luck!

I spent the next day at home with my parents, brothers, and new sister, Margot. We talked a little bit about the upcoming summer events, like the birth of the new family member in July, and the wedding of a childhood friend over the Labor Day weekend. So, as I readied my things before my flight, we said our "goodbyes" knowing it wouldn't be long before we were all together again.

Enjoying the Moment

2008-05-24T18:44:00.004-04:00

I'm on a small Boeing 717 en route to New York, listening to Sunset Bouelvard on XM Broadway. The plane taxied on the tarmac for just over an hour, and now I have no way of letting my parents know that I'll be landing late. It's okay though, because Westchester County Airport is conveniently down the street from the house I grew up in. I'll text Seamus & Billy (my brothers) when we land. The delay also allowed me to nap a bit after a hectic dash to Atlanta's airport, so I'm not complaining.

I have a habit of biting off slightly more than I can chew, and today was no exception. I figured that since my flight didn't depart until 6:40 p.m., I would have plenty of time to work at Joe's on Juniper during lunchtime, get home and pack, and then take MARTA to the airport. Now, before you call me insane, I succeeded! But, just barely. Yes, there is a fine line between insanity & Kevin Malin, but normally, I work no more than a few hours during lunch, and then I'm free to leave the restaurant around 2:30. Today, we were a bit busy, so around 3, I became nervous, and so I told our cranky & silly manager, Steve, that I needed to catch a flight. Instead of biting my head off, he asked me to call from the airport to let him know I arrived in time. He has a heart, after all! In the meantime, the warm and sunny day people were enjoying out on our patio suddenly turned into monsoon season, which quickly soaked me to the bone as I ran to my Rodeo parked on 11th. I got home at 4 p.m., fed Pumba & Simba, told them I was leaving to visit Grandma & Grandpa, but that I would be back on Monday night, and then turned on Hard Candy. In no more than fifteen minutes, I was packed and walking out the door, back into the torrential downpour. The Lindbergh MARTA station is a couple of blocks from my home, so I actually made it to the airport with enough time to have a quick sandwich before boarding my flight.

In the passed decade, I've become quite the deft traveler. Since, September 11th, I've flown three to four times per year and I've adapted comfortably with changing security measures. Today, I actually packed only one back which I checked; I was probably the only passenger who boarded without carrying anything but a boarding pass.

I'm currently at a point in my recovery where I make an effort to focus on the moment instead of anxiously awaiting the future, or morbidly reflecting on the past. I thought of this while I was at the airport, and it made me grateful to be taking a trip. Every aspect of my little weekend adventure has occurred without drama, and if you knew me only a couple of years ago, this would be hard to believe. Also, I enjoyed the piece of mind knowing I forgot nothing, and I enjoyed resting once on the MARTA. And nothing thrills me more than flying over a dozen states in a jet to another region of the country. There is something very exciting about flying that never gets old for me no matter how much I travel.

So, I'll be on the ground in about an hour at Westchester's little luxury-boutique airport that happens to be far more convenient than LaGuardia. When I was a kid, I used to ride my bike to the airport, which was no bigger back then than a double-wide trailer. Now, it's practically a hub for Air Tran and Delta.

I'm happy to have a break from Joe's and Atlanta, in general. This weekend is already bringing much needed tranquility, a time that allows me to think about this particular point in my life, and how I can improve upon things. This is also an opportunity to do some work for my latest real estate lead; he's a police officer who needs to sell his home in Conyers before it's foreclosed upon. This is a situation millions of Americans are currently facing due to the housing crisis. If we can agree on a good price, I'll be able to help him avoid total credit destruction.

It's nightfall, and as I look out to the left of the aircraft, I see what I think is New Jersey. It's quite pretty from up here. Not dirty and smelly like New Yorkers so fondly describe it. So, for now, I'll savor this view and this moment and report back later in the weekend.

A Tough Choice: Family or Friends?

2008-04-26T08:32:00.005-04:00

Today, I'm making my Memorial Day plans, and I have a fairly difficult decision to make. The unofficial beginning of summer used to involve a simple thought process: I'd grab my bike on Friday afternoon, board the Provincetown high-speed catamaran in Boston Harbor, and spend a party weekend in P-Town of drunken debauchery with thousands of other gay men. From what I remember, Memorial Day is a special weekend for the gay community because we can come together in large numbers, enjoy the beautiful weather, forget about work and the recent winter, and have a total blast!

This year, I have two options, both of which I'd like to partake in. The first option is similar to those crazy weekends in Provincetown, without the one social lubricant I used to love way too much. Several of my friends in recovery from substance abuse have invited me to join them for a sun-filled, sober weekend in Pensacola. To an Earth Person (the term alcoholics affectionately call our non-alcoholic friends), this may not sound very inviting. Why would anyone want to spend the weekend with lots of hot, gay men partying on the beach without alcohol? But I have so much more fun now, and this year, I'll actually remember the names of all the hotties I hook up with! Also, my friends in recovery have replaced the many drinking buddies I used to think were good friends. And spending time with them is actually a productive and important ingredient of my recovery. A large home on the beach has already been rented, and a wild, sober weekend is now pre-ordained!

If you've known me for a while, you may know that I'm a New Yorker, and I'm the only member of my family currently living in the South. You also may know that my family should have it's own soap opera. The drama that comprises my family is sometimes overwhelming, and it makes me grateful to be somewhat removed, geographically. I'm not going to get into it, but just thinking about my parents and two brothers raises my level of anxiety to Orange, so I'm going to pour myself a cup of coffee. Hold on a sec. :-)

Option Two involves travelling home for a very special baby shower. Last year in May, my older brother, Bill, eloped with his girlfriend, Margot (who still receives negative resistance from my parents), and since then, the rest of the family found out they got married, and now they're expecting their first child. This is big, because this is the first baby in the family since my little brother was born thirty years ago, and, aside from my 2 & 1/2 year marriage, I will be an uncle for the first time! And, my parents will have a grandchild! I'm so excited! However, the baby is not due until July 17th. So, the question is: How important is it that I am at the baby shower since I may be coming home for the baby's birth? Not to mention, I'm visiting New York for the wedding of a childhood friend Labor Day weekend. All this airfare is getting expensive, so what do I do?

In the past, my decision would be based on what I would enjoy more, but now that I live One Day at a Time, I strive to be a less selfish person. It's now less about me and more about us. At which event would I make more of a contribution? Which group needs me more? My friends or my family? Especially since the term friends is now more about the people I call on a regular basis, people I listen to when life seems a bit bleak, people I see at meetings. Sometimes, this includes the people I see while I'm out and about, but not usually.

Life for me now is about regulating my thoughts, paying attention to the good ones, and not entertaining the bad ones. This means staying out of my own crazy head with my own "problems" by helping other people. I can do this by simply spending time with friends and listening to them, and as a result, my mountains become molehills. But I'm also close to my family, and maybe I need to drop everything and spend time with them during a joyous time. Either way, I need to make this decision by the end of the weekend because planning ahead, I've heard, is part of growing-up, and at some point I need to tell Joe's on Juniper that I won't be in Atlanta for Memorial Day!

Mommy Dearest visits the ATL

2008-04-17T17:20:00.005-04:00

It seems I have fallen into the reality TV trap once again. I'm in my living room having a late lunch and checking email/myspace, as I notice that there is another dance competition on Bravo, television for gay men & metrosexuals. It's called Step It Up & Dance, and at first glance it doesn't have enough appeal to retain my attention, which means there aren't any cute men in it. But I've made my judgement too quickly: there are some hotties in it, and although, it follows other shows exactly (a dancer is eliminated after each challenge), it's a good show. I've always been a fan of good choreography, and I love nothing more than amazing dancing. So, I'll refill my coffee cup and watch a couple of hours of episodes.

Today, my brain is catching up with the rest of my being as I relax on my first day off this week. Joe's has kept me very busy with tables full of partying gay boys and friendly trivia players. I was even secret-shopped on Friday, and although I only got a B+, Alice is happy because I'm a new server. Abode Realty has kept me almost as busy as I take on the challenge of my first short sale. This is a technique of saving a homeowner from foreclosure by negotiating with the bank to relieve the homeowner of the mortgage obligation. We're working in teams at the office and the team who completes a short sale first receives domestic airfare. What an incentive! I may not be on reality TV, but I'm a hell of a negotiator. I'm all about some healthy competition, so bring it on!

I have to talk a bit about my Mother because she's incredibly silly. This passed weekend, Mother came to visit Atlanta for the first time. My little brother, Seamus, lived in Atlanta several years ago, and Mother never visited. I've now been a resident of the ATL for over two years, and finally, she's come to visit. Normally, Mother would use a stale excuse to not visit. She's currently working in Palm Beach, so she flew up from there. She no longer has a cell phone and calling her at work is prohibited(according to her), so making plans for her visit was next to impossible. In addition, I wasn't aware of her plans until after the cut-off for making requests at Joe's; so altering my schedule was not going to be easy. Her initial plan was to fly in, take MARTA to Lindbergh, which is adjacent to my complex, and wait for me to get home from work. Crazy, right? Especially in crime-ridden Atlanta. I lucked out, though. My wonderful bosses at Joe's gave me the night off due to inclement weather and Mother's visit. So, I left Joe's and headed for Hartsfield-Jackson. I was excited to see Mother and show her around my new city. I was also very thankful that she was not going to have to find her way in an unknown place on her own, and in the rain. As I waiting in the receiving area of the terminal, I kept thinking that I had to pay close attention to the short people since Mother only stands at four feet, eleven inches (I'm over a foot taller than she). What if I miss her and she gets on MARTA? I started having scary thoughts and decided not to entertain them. Almost an hour after the flat-screens showed her flight as arrived, Mother emerged from the crowd, clutching to her bag and looking a little lost. I felt a twinge of pity, but then reminded myself that even at sixty-three, she is a resilient woman, having dealt with so much in her lifetime. We were both so happy to see each other, and I could now feel relieved that she would be coming home with me.

Mother got into my Isuzu Rodeo, which she had never seen, and was very pleased with my choice. I'm always excited to act as tour guide, so as we drove up to Midtown, I pointed out landmarks and buildings, including the Abode billboard I'm pictured in on Piedmont Ave. We decided to have dinner, so we went to Cowtippers'. It began to rain as we pulled in, so as we waited for the patio diners to be seated inside, I showed Mother my business card display in the restaurant's entryway. We had a tasty steak dinner, and then went to my home. The last time Mother saw my feline children, Pumba & Simba, was when Jeremy, my ex-husband, and I stopped in New York during our move from Boston to Atlanta in October of 2005. I was so happy to see the three of them reunited. I watched Mother sit on the floor and play with her grand cats. We resolved to buy them some toys tomorrow.

Mother let me sleep in the next day because she thinks I work a lot. Although I had that Saturday off, I still felt guilty about sleeping late. I was raised Catholic and am now in Recovery, but I still battle with guilt issues from time to time. We had "Blunch" at Joe's where Mother met some of my co-workers, and then went shopping. I allowed my refrigerator to empty as the days lead up to Mother's arrival because she enjoys taking me grocery shopping. It must be a maternal thing. As we shopped at Ansley Mall, I showed her Abode Realty. The foreclosures on our window excited her, and she actually considered moving to Atlanta from New York. Personally, I think my parents would enjoy living in Atlanta, and I encourage them to think about it, now that they're both senior citizens.

The Galano Club, the gay recovery center where I go to AA meetings was holding a fundraiser on Saturday night complete with drag kings & queens along with risque commentary. We decided to go, and Mother was so happy to experience a bit of my Recovery life. She wanted to donate all sorts of money, and I had to restrain her a bit because she can be quite a spendthrift. I introduced her to other recovering alcoholics and even some addicts, all wonderful people who have become friends of mine. Rand, a good friend of mine with over ten years of sobriety, greeted us upon arrival. My friend, Chris, gave a fun performance as he competed for Miss Pink Cloud. He has become one of my best Atlanta friends. My friend, Chandler, who is also poised to receive his nine-month green chip, performed DJ duties while clad in sexy leather attire. Afterwards, we stopped at Burkhart's to hang out with my friend, Frank for a few minutes. We went home and turned in after an exciting day.

We spent Sunday at my home eating and lounging about. In the evening, I worked at Joe's, and Mother watched old movies.

On Monday, we both slept in, and had to make a mad dash to the airport. It turned out to be a wonderful weekend that we both enjoyed. I'm happy Mother left with a good taste of Atlanta. Maybe her next visit to my home won't be in another four years! And this weekend was drama-free; how refreshing!

A break from the Madness

2008-03-29T15:21:00.003-04:00

It's about 3:20 in the afternoon, and I just started brewing my first pot of coffee on a lazy and stormy Saturday. I'm listening to Janet's new Discipline album, and I think it's great! I've been a huge fan since my little brother, Seamus, bought me Rhythm Nation 1814 for Christmas in 1989. This new one is an effort to be more risque than she's been before. It may be risque for some, but I'm always happy to hear an artist push the envelope and talk about things like sexual fetishes. The more we talk about taboos, the easier we understand each other. The title track is on now, and Miss Janet's singing, I need some discipline tonight; I've been very bad. Take out your frustrations on me. And then she's making these noises and stuff, and it's just kind of funny for me to hear because Janet is sooo not the fetish type. I'm sure she had to be taught a thing or two before making this album. However, she should be praised for her curiosity and fearlessness.

So, I'm taking a break, enjoying my coffee, and I feel well rested after a hectic day at Joe's. I was scheduled to work a double-shift, which I'm not afraid of, but we were SLAMMED all day! I got there at 10:30 am, and I didn't leave until 2:30 am. It was tough, but I'm still young. The weather was beautiful all day, so lunch was busy. Friday evenings are generally busy, but there was a curious electricity in the patrons. I'm sure it was a blend of the end of another week, good feeling, alcohol, a familiar place, good music; but at one point there was a large group of people dancing in unison on the patio to the choreography of a hip hop video. It was awesome to see! I had just finished up with the last of my tables, so I just stood there and watched with delight. As I watched, fatigued and drained of all energy, I was very happy to be a server at Joe's.

When things get tough, never forget that with enough coffee, you can do anything!

2008-03-27T12:35:00.001-04:00

I have this obsession with how much sleep I get. It's left over from my drinking days. Sleep is VERY, VERY important. If I don't get about eight to nine hours in a night, the next day is a waste, or so I think. But one thing I've learned in sobriety is that I don't always know best. I used to know almost everything, but now, as Plato so eloquently put it, "All I know is that I do not know."

So, last night, I got home from Joe's on Juniper, the predominantly gay restaurant I work at in midtown Atlanta at about 2:45 am. I've been told by my managers that I need to finish my closing side-work quicker because I need to clock out sooner than I have been. The $2.13 per hour I make on the clock needs to be streamlined, and I have been getting better about it by starting my side-work while I still have tables. I've been at Joe's for about a month now, and I'm getting the hang of it, but as with everything in my life, there's room for improvement.

I went to bed knowing that I needed to make a very important phone call to my broker first thing in the morning about a deal I've been working on. First thing in the morning for me could mean two in the afternoon, but for the rest of the world I decided, it means 9:00 am. So I set my alarm knowing I wouldn't get my full-night's sleep tonight. I feel asleep with Simba, my tan & white cat, purring as he snoozed on my chest. Getting up early was going to be okay because I would make a full pot of coffee before anything else.

Back in September, my client, Will, bought some land, with me as his agent in Grant Park for a dream home he designed. Since then, he and his boyfriend, Jamie, caught the real estate bug, and they wanted to buy more. We put an offer on a foreclosure a couple of weeks ago and received a very slow response from the seller, but nonetheless, we all agreed on a price. Unfortunately, on Monday, the listing agent informed me that they were going with another offer. Will and I didn't think this was right, so I spoke to my new broker, Roel, yesterday about it, and he wanted to research my emails to decide whether my client had "equitable interest" in the property or not. Roel called me in the evening to tell me that we had a good case for the property, but I was already waiting tables at Joe's, so I sent him a text saying I would call him first thing in the morning.

I'm not necessarily ineffective in the morning, I just have a really tough time getting out of bed. I think it's a self-pity thing. I want to stay in bed because I deserve to. But I don't deserve to unless, of course, I'm working until the middle of the night, and I have nothing to do the next day. Today, however, I had to get up and attend to this issue. One thing I want in sobriety is to be of service to others, and it's hard to do that while lying in bed. So, I got up and called Roel. As I was speaking to him, I noticed that the power was out in my apartment, which meant, no coffee. No matter; I would get ready and head to Ansley. I was actually excited because this meant that I had an excuse to stop into Starbucks and get some coffee and parfait. But most importantly, it meant I could scope out any cuties who might be in Starbucks. Looking for eye candy is often my ulterior motive.

I showered in the dark, said "Goodbye" to Pumba and Simba, my feline children, and headed to Ansley for coffee and to hang out at the office. The Ansley Mall area of Atlanta happens to be one of the gayest places on Earth. It's a strip mall complete with grocery stores, CVS, a super-gay gym, a liquor store, gay bars, restaurants, and even cruisy apartments across the street. So, if you lived there, and you were gay, you would never have to leave. So, when Roel asked me to join Abode Realty at their new office at Ansley, I simply couldn't refuse. He was looking for someone who could "service" Atlanta's gay community with experience and charm. He couldn't have asked a more appropriate person.

The clientele in Starbucks at the un-Godly hour of 10:00 am left much to be desired. On top of that they had no parfait, so I got my venti hot coffee and went to the office. Being the discreet and smooth operator I am, I set off the loud and embarrassing alarm system as I entered. Angela, our receptionist, wasn't there because she is visiting family in Detroit. I'm actually very clumsy, and I let people know about this character defect early on. In the old days, I would have wanted a drink to steady my nerves after the alarm went off, but today, I don't get upset. I can't live life on my terms anymore; I live life on LIFE'S terms now. Or at least I try. Progress, not perfection. I know I sound like AA's poster boy, but it did save my life.

So, I'm a little tired, and I've finished my first cup of coffee, but it's going to be in the seventies today. So, I think I'll go back into Starbucks, for various reasons, and caffeinate myself into enjoying this beautiful day!