Lessons in Humility

I have obviously neglected this blog.  At the beginning of my first sobriety (12/4/2006), I started chronicling my progress with some regularity.  I started drinking and doing drugs again, and my partying led to my HIV diagnosis.  I also began a relationship out of desperation after my second DUI.

As you can read below, work brought me to Los Angeles for almost a year.  During this period of time, I stayed "dry" for 7 months with my relationship as my higher power.  Once the relationship started to sour, I started drinking again.  He had no idea how to handle an alcoholic boyfriend who is a real Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde, and it wasn't the type of relationship he signed up for.

We moved to Seattle for his job.  He was all I had; my whole world, so when he said he didn't want me to return to Seattle, it broke my heart, and I attempted suicide.  I was a burden to who I was dating, my family, and my friends.  Suicide seemed like a good solution.  I've been picking up the pieces since then.  I found myself back in rehab in Georgia, again, but this time, it only took eight days to get me back onto my feet.  I'm so grateful for everyone who has been involved in my journey.  My disease has the power to grip my mind so tight that I simply cannot believe that I can stay sober from alcohol, but once I was brought to my first AA meeting in rehab on my second day, I realized AA is where I belong.  The grip my disease had broke apart, and I broke down in tears and shared that I hadn't been to a meeting in 3 to 4 years, and it felt good to be back.  I'm now approaching two years, and I'm so incredibly grateful.

This sobriety has been a little different.  I knew I had to find a job, but because I had been burned so badly as a REALTOR in Atlanta during the housing crisis, I was weary of real estate.  I applied to so many office jobs in Los Angeles and Seattle, and I even secured an entry-level position in Seattle that I had to say "Goodbye" to after only several weeks.  I also continued my battle with insomnia the moment I entered rehab.  I was adamant that I needed to address insomnia as rigorously as my sobriety, which could have taken a dangerous turn toward addiction to sleeping pills.  But I was honest about my insomnia with my sponsor, and I was honest with my doctor and psychiatrist about my alcoholism.

This sobriety began with the decision to build a sober network of friends here in Los Angeles, and a humble attempt at acting.  I was open-minded from the start, and I was still reeling from the disasters I created in Seattle and Atlanta.  I felt that I didn't deserve material things, or anyone's love or support, but my parents were not going to let me fall into homelessness.  With their help, I rented an apartment on the wrong side of the tracks in Hollywood.  I had no money, no car, and nothing sparkly to display to the materialistically-inclined; but I had resolve, and I was determined to go to any lengths to stay sober.  I was a little turned-off by the cliques at the West Hollywood Recovery Center, so I began to go to AA meetings all over the city.  The Bliss Art House Cafe on Vine Street is almost a second home despite intense insecurities I felt around straight people, and people who had program time under their belts.  But I kept discovering gay and straight meetings all over.  The stigma attached to using the buses and Metro here in LA didn't deter me from traveling and exploring this beautiful, tropical city.  In NYC and Boston, people of all economic backgrounds use public transit without considering their reputations, and I thought, "Why should I NOT use it?"  My new home group, "HIV by the Books" at Being Alive has become the bright spot in my life.  I love my friends and family now more than I ever have before.

I started background acting in January 2014 not realizing it would become enmeshed with my recovery.  My ego had been deflated nearly completely, so I brushed off suggestions that "real" actors don't background-act.  My ego began to grow a bit after working for a while, but with all the education I've been privileged with, I still knew nothing about acting.  I've seen many Broadway musicals in NYC, Boston, and Atlanta, but I was always in the audience critiquing performances without knowing the history of acting, or the intense, emotional work that goes into a great performance.  I decided I needed to learn more because there are people here who have invested their entire lives to the entertainment industry.  Once I started reading the history of acting, I felt barely prepared to meet with an Acting Center's founder, and when I shared what I had read online, I was informed that "methods" have been discarded, and that fully being the character I'm portraying: a character with a past, present, and future; a character with concerns, life issues, and insecurities; something clicked.  I looked out at the world through the eyes of that character.  There was no room for ego at all.  Sympathy played a much greater role in my acting education.  Humility became more valuable than my paychecks.  I also noticed that directors and assistant directors had difficult jobs, and a simple good work ethic (and simply being my true self) was all it took to impress them.  After some time, they started recognizing me, and I was given upgraded roles only because I was in the right place at the right time with the right work ethic.  I also must mention that I love meeting new artists everyday, and acting has taken me to some really beautiful locations throughout Southern California.

In early sobriety, you may hear, "Just suit up and show up (on time)."  That advice has become as important to my life as the Socrates/Plato quote, "All I know is that I do not know."  I'm currently reading books on Buddhism that remind me to be selfless, but I first learned spirituality in the literature of AA.  Another important text that propelled this sobriety is the 12 & 12.  I avoided that book like the plague in my first sobriety because my ego told me I didn't necessarily need it.  Back then, I read the big book, and then embraced the teachings of Ekhart Tolle.  But I knew I needed to read the book I avoided for years, so I read the 12 & 12 cover to cover.  I began to understand the history and inner-workings of recovery.  It cleared up the conflicts my ego had with recovery.  I can now pass along what I've learned to the newcomer.  I then read Hillary Clinton's Hard Choices to prepare for the upcoming election (but that's another post entirely).

As October 15th approaches, I pray I stay sober so that I can show others it can be done.  Many say that once one goes out, coming back is more difficult.  I can attest to that, because it was difficult for me to return to AA with my tail between my legs after scaring family, friends, and ex-boyfriends with terrible experiences that I almost didn't live through (or remember).  But I now see that "going back out there" was part of my evolution.  I needed to "experiment" more, which was a complete disaster.  But I'm still here, so there must be a reason for my existence that I may not fully realize for years to come.  It won't happen, though, unless I stay sober.  I pray the memories of my recent history fade in the minds of those routing for me.  Others believe in me, and now I believe in myself.  I have never felt so confident about a career before as I feel with acting.  But it's not going to stop there.  I've been urged to use my writing skills to pen an autobiography many times, which I believe will happen in due time.  But Hollywood craves alluring and captivating creativity in the form of comedy and drama.  As a result, conversations with unexpected people have paved the way for future projects that may contain autobiographical elements while entertaining audiences in a way that offers new perspectives.  I believe we are in an exciting time in human evolution: we are moving through an evolutionary period in which humans are more open-minded an accepting of the diversity of people as well as ideas.  The projects I've worked on in the past year and a half have been incredibly fresh and creative, and many offer these new perspectives that are so important to human evolution in general.  We can either open our minds more than we thought we previously had, or we can choose to resist change.  I am currently learning to live with this ambiguity, and to accept the "groundlessness" of human life.  This includes meeting other artists who are overflowing with talent.  The potential each of us have is as vast as a clear blue sky that stretches forever.  Our minds may be clouded with thought, but if we refrain from judging thought, we will see that we need only look further to realize the cloud of thought is as fleeting and superficial as a negative (or positive) mood.  "This, too, shall pass" in possibly as little as 90 seconds.

I will provide a personal example.  Lately, I've noticed that young, heterosexual actors of all kinds are intrigued by my contributions to conversations, and my patience with progress.  It's as though homophobia is disappearing.  I know that as with racism, homophobia may never disappear completely, but it catches me off-guard when actors ask me what I'm reading, or they clearly want my opinion on current-events.  I still fear homophobic comments that never materialize.  I can speak without this fear now because the prevailing attitude toward homosexuality and transgender issues are that we should allow people to live life the way they were intended to live, openly and honestly.  Internalized homophobia within my own perspective has been pointed out to me, and that's another issue I'm currently working on.

This passed year and 11 months have rekindled a love for family and friends who have stood by me.  I have also been quite candid on set while conversing with other artists about my struggles.  In AA, anonymity is incredibly important and humbling, so I'm careful about what I put "out there" in cyberspace.  But at the same time, I cannot stand quietly beside someone who is obviously struggling; and everyone is struggling with something.  AA gives me a daily reprieve from the need to drink, but that's only the beginning.  Being of service to others is something I am getting better at everyday with the help of literature and meditation.

And to finish up, I need to mention that my Dad is now living here in Culver City so he would be close to his granddaughter, Nicole.  Now, when familial issues pop up, I don't knee-jerk-react.  I handle concerns with grace and solutions.  I no longer pour gasoline onto the burning embers of addiction because those close to me have endured enough.  It's time for me to use my past as an arsenal for writing, acting, and whatever else comes my way here.  Most importantly, it's time to lead by example, with a compassionate heart.  I'm not my past; I am me, now: someone who considers the feelings of others.  I also held out until I could buy an inexpensive car that I really like (despite its age), and I offer rides to people who don't.  It's one way of making living amends, but there is still much to do.  If my focus is on others, the eight worldly concerns (pleasure & pain, gain & loss, fame & disgrace, and praise & blame) dissolve from mountains to molehills, and things just fall into place.  Because of my determination, my younger brother asked me to be Best Man at his wedding last year; and now he and his beautiful wife have a newborn baby named Bruce Malin.  Who knows if I would have even been able to be the fun-loving uncle I am today?

After he was diagnosed with cancer, Steve Jobs had this to say about freedom from the eight worldly concerns:

"Remembering that I'll be dead soon is the most important tool I've ever encountered to help me make the big choices in life.  Because almost everything - all external expectations, all pride, all fear of embarrassment or failure - these things just fall away in the face of death, leaving what is truly important.  Remembering that you are going to die is the best way I know to avoid the trap of thinking you have something to lose.  You are already naked. There is no reason not to follow your heart."

At the Start of an Acting career

Now that I have discovered the appropriate expression of creativity for me, I believe acting will continue to be part of my life and recovery indefinitely.  I have mistakenly assumed that my mind is only of the analytical kind; that the most I could create is an analysis of what already exists; that my powers to critique are all I have.

But living in Los Angeles has given me new perspectives.  I have been given the chance to create characters from but a few lines or just a vague description.  I now see that creation and evolution are within me, as they are in all human beings.  In fact, being is all I need to understand going forward.

Life has blessed me with the extreme experiences that lend the actor a hand in the art of sympathy.  "No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we see that our experience can benefit others."  How would I have been able to enter the emotions of pain suffered by others had I not known pain and suffering myself?   How might I tell a story without experience?  It is as if the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune in my own life are now the tools of a great storyteller.  The literatures and philosophies of college curriculum are now my arsenal of language, emotion, and reference.  My politics dictate the tone and message of the moral of the story.  My passions are unleashed as I enter the mind of the character, create a life and environs for him or her; and that passion is felt by the audience regardless of their own experiences.  Everything happened for a reason unknown to me for so long, but now, what I can and must do, is clear.  Why else would I enjoy this occupation as I do?  I finally want what sobriety and destiny had in store for me.  It took faith, patience, and lots of help to get to the point where my will aligns itself with the Universe.  It is a breathtaking view from where I now stand.  Thank you.

Why I've been Quiet

Summertime in Studio City

We've been in Los Angeles for just about three months now!  Time flies when you're busy!  I'm still in an adjustment period, and I have my ups-and-downs, but in general, I'm happy with our new home and new life.  Moving here didn't completely wipe the slate clean, and of course, I still have to find ways to cope with my anxiety and depression.  But there's so much hope here, and the infrastructure that makes up my routine is a recipe for success.  I'm not drinking (6 months!), and I have a loving boyfriend and a good job.  But there are lots of fun perks to living here, also.  For instance, we're constantly watching for celebrities.  Now that we live in the Thirty Mile Zone, Mike is obsessed with movie stars, singers, famous people, pre-famous people, etc, etc.  It was my idea to go on the TMZ Tour through Hollywood and Beverly Hills when Mike's friend, Shannon, came to visit for the weekend from Boston.  But it was Mike who nearly jumped off the bus when the tour-guide thought she spotted Adam Levine in traffic.  On another night, we were in Sur, a classy restaurant in WeHo when celebrity-owner Lisa Vanderpump came in to do a TV report.  Mike says I nearly bumped into her as I got up from our table.  And only a couple of weeks ago, Justin Beiber was pulled over by police in front of our apartment.

When Shannon was with us for that weekend, we had an excuse to do some touristy things, so we spent a hot Saturday at Universal Studios, which is conveniently located a block from our apartment.  They've built an amusement park based on Universal films, so we experienced King Kong and Jurassic Park as if we were there.  We also snapped a photo of the DeLorean from the Back to the Future movies.

Don't get me wrong, life isn't all glitz and glam now, but things are good.  We're in the process of planning a trip back East so we can see some family and friends in New England.  We're going to start in Connecticut and see my family, and then we'll spend a few days in MA/RI to see Mike's family, and then end up in Provincetown with our gay family before coming back to Studio City.

A Big Move!

Certainly, a lot has happened. And of course, nothing ever turns out the way I think it will. I have to live life as it comes at me because it is useless to try to predict where I will end up. I'm in a new city with a new boyfriend at a job that is only a little more than a year old. I try to refrain from labelling certain events as good or bad because they only appear to fall into categories. However, I find myself grateful for most of the things that have happened recently.

Last April, I started working for Landmark, headquartered in Los Angeles, and I began to dream about eventually making my way to the West Coast. I was never in love with Atlanta, and I could see myself starting over (again) in another city. Until it actually happened, I was worried about the challenges another big move would pose. But, never for a second, did I think I couldn't do it, or that I couldn't make new friends in California. There is a confidence and a resilience that lives deep within me that keeps me going.

Many times, I get in my own way of success, and I sabotage the results. I was drinking last year, and as a result, I created obstacles that almost kept me in Atlanta. I put an end to that on January 8th, when I began a new period of sobriety that has brought productivity, happiness, (and meetings) back into my life. Only a few days after I quit drinking, I was with friends at the Eagle when I was introduced to Mike. We immediately hit it off and started dating, putting an end to years of single-hood for both of us. He is one of the most considerate and thoughtful guys I've ever been romantically involved with. He listens carefully and does little favors for me that he knows improve my daily routine. He also has the prettiest blue eyes. In any case, he's a keeper, and he makes me very happy!

Mike and I visited Los Angeles as a couple in March, and we stayed at Erik's & Joey's in Studio City as we searched for our new home. Mike was sold on LA the day we arrived for our visit. He met my LA friends and co-workers, and we spent a week eating at the multitude of restaurants in the area and going out in West Hollywood. We found an apartment we liked and went back to Atlanta to get rid of our stuff and tie up loose ends. The details involved with moving are stressful enough, but on top of that I have two cats. I offered to give one away as a compromise to make the move go easier, but no one wants to adopt an adult cat, so I kept them together and made plans to bring them. Thank goodness, too, because I would have been an emotional mess without them both.

It didn't make much sense to travel across the continent with lots of stuff, so we "let go" of our material things in Atlanta and flew to LAX with just a few pieces of luggage. As Mike slept on our one-way Delta flight, I watched some TV and tried not to worry about the cats who were flying as checked-baggage. Needless to say, all four of us arrived safely at our new home, Archstone Apartments in Studio City, a neighborhood of LA. Archstone is known for housing many pre-famous stars, such as, Ashley Simpson and Paris Hilton. Because so many celebs live and hang out in Studio City, we both look forward to our first celebrity sighting. As President Obama made his way to George Clooney's house for a fundraiser this passed weekend, we snapped photos of Marine One flying overhead.

I had to report to work immediately, so Mike had the fun jobs of receiving boxes we shipped from Atlanta and of putting our new Ikea furniture together. He put so much work into setting up our new home that it looks fabulous now! We're even starting to feel like real Angelenos now that we've been here for two weeks. Today is Mike's birthday, so we were out and about all weekend in West Hollywood to celebrate. And tonight, we're trying one of Studio City's most popular restaurants, Firefly.

Don't get me wrong; I miss my East Coast friends dearly. In fact, I made so many lasting friendships in Atlanta, that it will always be a special place. Mike makes an impression wherever he goes, so our final night in Atlanta was bittersweet. We said goodbye to friends who were moved to tears by Mike's leaving. I'm sure we'll make an appearance back in Atlanta some time soon, but for now, the West Coast is ours to explore!

What's in a Name?

The principle of King Street Elementary School called for an assembly in the gym to engage the students in political dialogue at a young age just before the 1984 presidential election. I was a timid 8-year-old Democrat who was, more often than not, referred to as “Billy” because of my older brother’s and my twin-like resemblance. Everyone knew the Malin brothers, but I was an individual, with my own name, so I politely corrected teachers, students, and parents when this common mistake was made. The assembly was underway, and the principle turned to me for my opinion.

She said something like this, “Billy, who would you like to see win this election: Ronald Reagan and George Bush, or Walter Mondale and Geraldine Ferraro?”

As she spoke, I thought to myself, “I can’t believe she did it again!” My response was loud and clear. I said, “KEVIN!!!”

The entire school erupted with laughter while I thought to myself, “What’s so funny???”

Michael Jackson Reaction to Elizabeth Taylor's Passing

"How in the HELL did I get here before YOU DID?????

Neverland Ranch Times exclusive, Kevin Malin