Small Gay World

It's the last day of July, and as I get ready to close the gym tonight, I think about how this month has been a little bazaar. It's really been a month of ups & downs; I've had some setbacks, but I've also had some interesting learning experiences. As you may have read in my last post, depression had become a concern, but I can say with a fair level of confidence, that it is manageable now, and I look to the future with much optimism. My work as a REALTOR (r) has increased to the point that I'm excited to be an agent, to be showing homes, and to be approaching a closing. I'm also scheduled to be flying to New York for Labor Day Weekend to see my family, including the newest member, my niece, Nicole; and to attend the wedding of a childhood friend. Having a trip to look forward to is just one more good reason to get up in the morning each day and to get motivated to do something productive! My part-time job at the gym keeps me sane, and on some type of a regular schedule. It's also a lot of fun to work with my friend, Jay, and to chat with the gay gym-rats who come here.

July has been a challenging month for my confidence. I've made many big decisions in recovery, but in this passed month, I've come to question how well I've thought about things before making my decisions. I think I've actually come to regret the decision to live with my roommate, Adam, who now claims to have a pretty intense problem living with me. I knew after I returned to the real world in April of 2007 that living with Adam would be a challenge, and the people who I owe my sobriety to told me not to live with him. Anyway, we haven't wanted to live with each other for a while, but we're in a lease, and my plan to live with my friend, Chris, wouldn't happen until December. So, in my mind, nothing was going to change until then. But a week ago, Adam emailed me saying my behavior was a threat to his sobriety, and that he would have to move out by the end of the month, leaving me with a place to pay for and no roommate. To be mild, I was livid. I was so insulted, hurt, and baffled, especially since, he had no home when he was asked to leave rehab, except to live with me. I returned his email with one of a scathing nature that described my frustrations with living with him. My friend & sponsor, and possibly future-roommate, Chris, made me a "roommate-needed" flyer of an extremely professional design, and we put them up at the Galano Club (Gay Alcoholics Anonymous), so that I can find a sober roommate. Oh, and I told Adam he wasn't going anywhere until September.

I was really pissed off, needless to say, but I noticed how I was asking for help, and that the people who care about me, helped. They helped me see that this wasn't as bad as my alcoholic mind was making it out to be. Unfortunately, I isolated a bit, which is not healthy for an alcoholic in recovery, but I also went to meetings, and I went out with my Earth friends, Mo and Sparkles. They're always a hoot, and I like to go out. They're actually pictured in my default MySpace photo right now in case you think you know them. Between Trivia at Joe's on Juniper and Blake's, they know everyone! So, it wasn't the end of the world, and how could I stay upset when Joining Hearts 21 was in just a couple of days!

Every year, for the past twenty years, gay Atlanta gets together to party and raise money for two charity organizations, AID Atlanta and Jerusalem House, and 100% of the cover, tips, everything, goes to the charities. And the party is called Joining Hearts. I went two years ago in the good old days of drinking when they held it at the Piedmont Park pool, and I thought it was the greatest party I had been to in Atlanta. Well..........this year was off the chain! I had heard from a boy who comes to the gym and is also involved with the organization of the party that this was going to be a huge party, and that it was going to be held at the Civic Center, which was where a not-so-exciting Gay Pride Festival was held only a few weeks ago. (Remember?) Well, despite the failure of the Pride Committee, Joining Hearts 21 was a huge success! My expectations were low, so when I arrived to see a "circuit-esque" set-up, complete with a canopy-dance area, a full-on light show, and DJ Roland Belmares at the turn-tables.

Earlier in the week, I was out at the Heretic for the mid-week shirtless party they have on Wednesday nights. I was having a bad week with things that were going on, and I needed to go out and dance. and I met this older guy who kept telling me I was gorgeous. He wanted to buy me drinks, so I let him buy me a Red Bull, and later a diet Coke (which I drink way too much of, since I don't drink alcohol anymore). He was fifty-two, but he looked forty, and he was interesting, so when he asked me out to dinner, I accepted. Later that night, I was with a few friends who wanted to stop by the apartment of someone I didn't know. When we arrived, I met a very attractive thirty-four year-old, somewhat femme hottie! He asked me out on a date, and I was very interested, so I said, "Definitely!" But let me just clarify: I never get asked out twice in the same night.

During this same week, a friend I met when I first moved to Atlanta two & a half years ago, Shawn, called me to buy a home in Kennesaw. I was excited to go house-hunting with him the Saturday of Joining Hearts. He decided on one, and instructed me to write up an offer. I was ecstatic with his decision, and when we were done, I went home to change for the party & to celebrate my up-coming closing! As I drove back from Kennesaw, I spoke to Mike (the femme hottie) on the phone. He said his EX was with him, and that he knew me, too. He had met me at the Heretic on Wednesday night! So, once the two of them (who had dated for almost ten years!) got over the fact that they asked out the same boy on the same night, the three of us decided to go to Joining Hearts together! How crazy! My friend, Seth, who I've known for a decade since we met in Boston, was supposed to accompany me to the party, but then had to go to a birthday party instead.

I noticed earlier in the week that Mike drank a fair amount of alcohol, but I didn't think much of it. I just assume that everyone other than myself (aside from the other alcoholics I know) is a normal drinker. But then the three of us got to Joining Hearts, and Mike disappeared after only a few minutes. Joe (the other EX) & I danced almost the whole night, and had a great time; but Mike never returned. Before he disappeared, he asked a bartender to fill up his large plastic cup with a little ice & vodka, only. I thought to myself, "Wow! That's totally something I've done!" Joe & I talked about it for a bit, and I disclosed some of my story to him, and he said that he wanted Mike to go to rehab. Unfortunately, he is not ready yet, and if he's not ready, no one else can really help get him there. An alcoholic must live in pain & suffering until he/she reaches rock-bottom. Once he asks for help, there is so much that can be done, but not until then.

As Joe & I danced, I felt as though I were at the WinterParty in South Beach, or on an Atlantis vacation. The only reminder that I was in Atlanta was a familiar face here and there, and the illuminated skyline as the sun set into beautiful pinks & purples. I knew I wasn't going to be interested in dating Joe, but I thought we would make fabulous friends. He knew more of the older crowd at the party, and I got to meet some distinguished people.

At about ten pm, a singer came out on stage with three drag queens who had been dancing with the crowd. One of the drag queens was my ex-husband, Jeremy. He and the other two girls were in matching outfits with these arrangements on their heads. I waved to Jeremy from the dance floor; he looked like he was having a great time. Abigail, the young singer of maybe twenty-five, was very attractive, with long straight, brown hair, and a very fit body. She started her performance with one of my all-time favorite songs, and the theme song to my Senior Prom, back in Greenwich, Connecticut: Forever Young, by Alphaville. Abigail's rendition was a dance/club version, that really got the crowd going. She followed it with a couple of circuit anthems, and then was finished. As Jeremy walked off the stage following his back-up performance, I said , "Hello," and I told him he did a great job. He said he was having a great time. The party thinned-out, but Joe wanted to stay until the very end because he was anticipating some fireworks, which they customarily have. We waited, but there were no fireworks. We finished up the night at Joe's Versace-like mansion in Buckhead with some friends, where I also got to meet a TV celebrity whose studio happens to be adjacent to my gym. Small gay world.

I love parties, I love to dance, and I love to hang out and socialize. And I think I always will. If I can keep doing those things, I don't need alcohol. People ask me how I do it, but I now know that I never needed to drink; once I learned some humility and became comfortable in my own skin, I became outgoing, I became flirty, I was funny. I never needed it, and I never had a craving at Joining Hearts or at the second party at Opera on Sunday night, which Joe & I went to as well. That party was a toned-down version of Joining Hearts with the proceeds going to the same charities. I got to meet DJ David Knapp, and he made it a point to remember my name! Very sweet guy. He asked if Joe & I were a couple, and I practically yelled, "No, David, I'm single!"